


Finding Myself

by OtherSideOfInfinity



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 11:27:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 37,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3808684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OtherSideOfInfinity/pseuds/OtherSideOfInfinity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story about Simmons trying to find herself again amidst the chaos after the collapse of S.H.I.E.L.D. I plan for this to be a two part story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story. Hope everyone enjoys! I don't own any of the characters. All rights belong to Marvel and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. I also own no rights to any movies or songs that may be mentioned throughout the story.

I never thought it would begin like this. Logically all things have beginnings and ends. And the beginning of my stint in Hydra meant a beginning to this story. A story that is heartbreaking and full of hope. A story about learning to hope, to love and to live. _To fall in love._ It’s a story I never thought would be my own. But for this story to really begin, I should go back to another beginning. The one where Hydra first reared its ugly head and changed the game forever. The one where me and my best friend almost died. The one where S.H.I.E.L.D. fell apart. Let’s start there. It’s as good of a beginning as any.


	2. A Broken S.H.I.E.L.D.

We were trapped, on the bottom of the ocean.  _Trapped._ The oxygen slowly being claimed by the only two occupants in the pod.  **Trapped.**

 

_We are going to die._

 

That’s all I can think. Stuck here as we try to use the medical equipment left for us to blow the glass off the med pod and escape.

 

_We are going to die._

 

Finally we have everything set. Fitz and I briefly discuss our plan to escape, until I realize the flaw. He only had been able to rig the small oxygen container to let out one burst of air. He’s pushing it into my hands telling me to hold onto it tight. I voice my concern that there are two of us, but he’s done the math he says, telling me I’m a better swimmer.

 _No. This is ridiculous. We need a new plan._ I tell him as much.

_We are going to die._

He tells me I’m taking the oxygen. End of story. He couldn’t live if I didn’t.

I feel the emotions building. It comes out along the lines of, “Why would you make me do this, you’re my best friend in the world?” Because he is.

“Yeah you’re more than that Jemma.” Fitz pauses to compose himself. “But I couldn’t find the courage to tell you. So please, let me show you.”

I feel the tears come freely. This isn’t fair. This isn’t right. I hug him fiercely. _No. No. No._ I can’t stop the words from spilling out. He keeps telling me it is okay. It’s not. It’s not at all okay.

  
_We are not going to die._

_Fitz is going to die._

He is sacrificing himself for me, because he loves me.  He is telling me we have to hurry. He is telling me to take the oxygen. To take it. To live. _To leave him here and escape._ This isn’t how it is supposed to be. He is looking at me with a tear stained face full of love.

_I don’t feel the same way._

 

I wish I did. But he is still my best friend. And I can’t leave him here. Never.

He continues to gaze at me with those tear stained love filled eyes, until he looks away briefly and presses the button. I scream.

 

_Fitz is going to die._

The water rushed in faster than I expected. It really is like a thousand punches. Fitz appears to be unconscious from the blast. Did he hit his head? I take the one breathe of oxygen. Reaching, I grab the scruff of his shirt, and I swim. _I can’t leave him._ So I swim and swim and swim like I have never before. Ninety feet is a long way up. But just when I feel like I can’t go anymore and the oxygen is thin, I break the surface. And I breathe. Gulps of air. _Life._ I pull Fitz up beside me. He is unconscious. I can’t tell if he is breathing. We are in the middle of the ocean, the middle of nowhere. And then there is a helicopter, and a hand and _life_. I take it.

 

_We are going to live._

Nick Fury hauls us into the helicopter. And medical quickly assesses Fitz. I watch on as they work on him. He is breathing. _We are going to live._ He is breathing, and there is a heartbeat. _We are going to live._ We have to live. We have to live on, for each other, for the greater good, for S.H.I.E.L.D. We have to live to fight back against Hydra. With the rest of the team we will…..….oh my God…

 

 The rest of the team!


	3. The Playground

Fitz and I have been safely transported to a new safe house. It is known as the Playground. Another underground facility that doesn’t exist and only a few top agents are privy to, one of those being Director Nick Fury himself of course. He is standing next to me in the medical room that Fitz is currently in. Fitz is unconscious. So many wires and tubes connected to him. _Critical but stable._ They don’t know when he will wake up. They don’t know if he even will wake up. This feels like a nightmare.

Director Fury looks at me, “I have a mission I have to attend too. It involves the rest of your team. Whoever is still alive, I will send them this way.” He pauses. “S.H.I.E.L.D. has to keep going. I’m not going to let Hydra destroy everything so many good people have worked so hard for. “

I give him a brief nod and my thanks for helping out me and Fitz. Turns out the S.H.I.E.L.D. frequency signal Fitz was able to rig with the medical equipment in the pod was something that Nick Fury was looking for. He was hoping to find Agent Coulson. Instead, he found us. I was able to give him an idea of what the team might be up too, but I told him I couldn’t be for sure. After a few hours of doing whatever it is Nick Fury does to put the puzzle pieces together, he seemed like he had figured out where they were. I wanted to ask for more details, but I couldn’t. He probably wouldn’t divulge them anyway. Did I even want to know?

Was Agent Coulson even alive? Was May, or Trip, or Skye??!!

The thought was unbearable, the not knowing. I took a deep breathe.

I sat down in the chair next to Fitz’s bed, taking his hand and just listened to the sound of the monitors. I still couldn’t believe Ward could do this to us. He was a friend. Hell he jumped out of a plane to save my life, plus saving my life countless other times. There are too many to count. But he didn’t even hesitate to drop me and Fitz out of the Bus. _Betrayed._

I wanted to see the rest of the team. To know they were okay. To know they were alive. Fitz is barely alive. _And he is in love with me._ This really is a nightmare. If he wakes up, no, when he wakes up, I have to tell him I don’t feel the same. That it’s platonic. That will break his heart. _He has to wake up._

 

 

I must have dozed off for a while, because the next thing I know Agent Koenig, who I met briefly upon my arrival, is shaking me awake.

“Agent Simmons. The rest of your team is here. They are landing the Bus now.” That wakes me up in a heartbeat. And I’m standing before I know it. I glance at Fitz. _Stable but critical. He is alive._ I turn towards Agent Koenig. “Lead the way,” I say. We walk through many hallways. This place seems like a maze. But after many twists and turns, he leads me into a large hanger. And there is the Bus. The Bus Fitz and I were thrown from by Ward. _I shiver._ But this Bus has my team on it. My team. My family.

The cargo ramp starts to lower, and I feel a lump in my throat. _Please let everyone be okay._ It continues to lower, and I have never felt more relief in my life. Everyone is standing there. Trip. Coulson. May. Skye. All alive! They look just as relieved to see me. I start moving towards them once the ramp is down, and Skye is breaking away from the others. And she is hugging me like she never wants to let go. May is giving me a motherly look, and Coulson’s hand is on my shoulder. Trip has a gentle smile on his face. _It feels like home._ Skye gently breaks the hug. _Please don’t let go._ She is asking about Fitz, if he is okay.

I try to keep emotions in check. The best I can say is, “He’s alive.” The moment lingers. They know something is wrong. They don’t know what, and they don’t want to ask. Not yet at least. But they can see the tears in my eyes. They know it’s not good.

The moment passes, and May is moving on asking, “What is this place?” I feel myself start to tune them out. Coulson mentions something about a box and coordinates. He turns to me, “Another secret base?”

Thankfully I am saved having to speak by Agent Koenig, “I call it the Playground.” I start to tune him out as well as he talks about lanyards and such and about where to start.  Coulson tells the others to seek medical attention, and then come find him for a quick debrief after. He follows Koenig out and presumably to an office to discuss the Playground and the current Hydra situation. Thankfully some of the medical staff is nearby, and they wave us down the ramp and to follow.

We all follow along in silence. I go with them. I have nowhere else to go. _I don’t want to be alone._ We go back through the twists and turns of the Playground, back towards the medical center. We don’t go anywhere near Fitz’s room, but stay in the more general area. Two of the medical examiners grab May and Trip first (since apparently they are and I quote, “Worse for wear”) and the scowl May gives them is perfect. They walk each to individual areas and pull some curtains for privacy. They said they would be back to examine Skye shortly since her injuries didn’t appear as severe. We both find some chairs off to the side and sit down next to each other.

I can almost feel the tension coming off Skye. She always asks lots of questions, and I can feel it coming. On the tip of her tongue, she wants to ask about Fitz. Instead she goes with, “I thought that you were dead.” I glance to my right and study her face. “You and Fitz both. I thought you guys were dead. Garrett said that you guys were brave until your last breathe, and I thought you were dead.” She gives me a quick glance before she looks away, and I see the tears in her eyes. _I thought we were dead too. Fitz. Stable but critical. He is alive._ I gently reach for her hand in her lap and hold it. I give it a squeeze, and I start to speak. But the words catch in my throat.

Then it hits me like a freight train, everything that has been building up since arriving at the Playground. Hydra infiltrating S.H.I.E.L.D. Almost dying at the bottom of the ocean thanks to Ward. _Betrayed._ Fitz. _Stable but critical._ _He is alive_. He is completely in love with me. _I don’t feel the same way._ Not knowing the fate of the others. It crashes. It crashes around me, and I break. Full on sobs I never saw coming. Rivers. I double over in my chair. Skye’s hand slips away from mine and wraps around my back, her other hand coming to rest on my knee. She holds me tight, and I let everything that was building up out into these tears.  It takes me a minute or many. I don’t know how long I have been crying. But suddenly Skye’s voice breaks through quietly but calm and clear. “I got you. Shhhh. I got you.” She keeps on repeating comforting words and rubbing my back until I finally calm down. Sometime during my sobs, I had grabbed onto her hand over my knee and had it in a death grip. I continue to hold her hand but let my grip slip a little. I sit back up more properly in my chair. I whisper, “I’m sorry.” Our eyes connect. She has been crying too. And Skye says back, “Don’t be sorry.” She takes the hand on my back and moves it to wipe away my tears. Her eyes show concern as they land on the bruises on my face. “Everyone has been through a lot these past few days. And crying is okay. At least it means you’re not a robot.” I let out a gentle chuckle as she moves her hand from my face to my back again. She gives it a little rub. “Because I seriously think May might be a robot.” I laugh a little more at this because it’s kind of true.

I gently squeeze Skye’s hand again and say, “Thanks Skye.” She gives me a gentle smile. I glance up and around the medical facility. It looks like the curtains around where May and Trip were at are empty. Where did they run off too? To go meet with Coulson already? How long had we been sitting here?  I notice a medical examiner is walking our way, presumably to get Skye for her exam. I start talking, “I know Coulson will want me to debrief him on what happened with Fitz and myself. But I do want to talk with you later, about what happened.” _About Fitz and myself. About what happened with Garrett._ I squeeze her hand and let go, and I move to stand up. “And I know you probably want to see Fitz as well. I feel like everyone will want to see him. I would like to go with you and the others when you do. He is alive Skye, but…” I clear my throat, “But they keep telling me they are not sure how he is going to do.” _Stable but critical. He is alive._ A look crosses her face that I can’t quite place. “What does that mean Simmons?” she asks. I take a deep breath and look around the room. The medical examiner is almost near us. I settle my gaze back on Skye’s face and say, “It means I know he is alive.” _We are going to live. We have to live._ The medical examiner approaches us. I say, “Go get checked out. I’m going to go find Coulson. Something tells me May and Trip went to find him as well. I have a feeling he will want to talk with all of us soon to get us settled in presumably.” Skye gives a little nod. I head out of the medical area. I think about going to see Fitz again before finding Coulson, but decide against it. They would let me know if something changed. They would let me know. _He is alive._ I wander down the hallways and ask some of the few people that are already in the facility where Koenig’s office is, and they direct me where to go. I walk onwards. I have too.

_We are alive._

_We have to live._

_We have to fix what has been so very badly broken._


	4. The Situation

I make it to Koenig’s office where Coulson, May, Trip, and of course Koenig are all gathered. The door is cracked, and I can hear the murmur of their voices as they discuss things. I gently knock on the door and enter. Everybody is standing around and their eyes are trained on me instantly. The talking stops immediately. Something tells me they were discussing me and Fitz. I dip my head a little and say, “Hello everyone.” Coulson gives me a commendable look and says, “Agent Simmons. Glad you could join us. We were just discussing with Koenig about you and Fitz. Sounds like you two have had quite the adventure.” I meet his eyes and say quietly, “More like a nightmare.” He nods his head. “We had a nice source of help show up in time to aid us with Garrett and Hydra. Fury told me that you had helped him some in locating us.” I started to mumble about not really helping at all, but Agent Coulson went on talking, “I had a long conversation with Nick Fury. About everything that is happening. With you and Fitz. With Hydra. With S.H.I.E.L.D. Nick Fury is currently presumably dead, and he has decided to name me the new Director of S.H.I.E.L.D.  On this past mission, we were able to stop Garrett, and we captured Ward as well.” I shiver at the mention of his name. He continues talking, “I know you and Fitz went through a lot. And I know through Agent Koenig that Fitz’s condition is uncertain at this time. What I don’t know is what happened once you guys found the Bus. I know that you were able to place a tracker on it. After that…things are unclear. I know this is the last thing you probably want to talk about, but we do need a debriefing of what happened, especially if there was any information about Hydra that you two might have overheard.”

He walks closer to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. He says quietly, “I know you don’t want to talk about what happened yet, and you don’t have to. But eventually....” He steps away from me and addresses everyone in the room, “Being the Director now means we have to start rebuilding S.H.I.E.L.D. soon. You guys will get to have a few days off to recuperate, to recover and figure things out. Then we are going to start. And we are going to rebuild S.H.I.E.L.D.” Trip and May give a sharp nod to the statement.

There is a knock on the door, and Skye steps in. Coulson addresses her, “Skye glad you are here. Everything go okay with medical?” Skye answers back, “Yeah. Just a few very minor scratches. Nothing to be worried about.” She looks to Trip and May and asks, “Are you two okay?” May gives a noncommittal shrug and says, “Just a few scratches.” I glance over at her and immediately think that she has more than a few scratches. Trip gives a little chuckle and says that he too is okay, nothing to worry about. I can tell he is lying too. _At least they are alive._ Coulson starts to talk again, “Now I need to go get checked by medical myself. Agent Koenig here will give all of you lanyards. I told him that after the past few days, I trust all of you with my life. He will also give you a tour of the place and where you will be sleeping. Now if you will excuse me.”

Before he walks out of the room, I finally find the courage in me to talk, “Sir?” He turns to look at me. “Yes Simmons?” I glance around the room at everyone’s faces and say, “If it’s alright since everyone is here, I would like to go ahead and give a quick debrief on what happened. I just think it would be easier to let everyone know at once.” Coulson’s eyes soften a bit and he says quietly, “Of course.” I look back to Coulson and ask would it be alright if we sit. He answers back, “By all means. I think maybe we should all sit. It has been a long past couple of days.”

We all sit.

I take a deep breath and start to talk.

 

* * *

 

I tell them as much as I can. As much as I want to without divulging the specifics of what transpired between me and Fitz on the bottom of the ocean. _He is in love with me._ Unfortunately for Coulson, I don’t have much information about Hydra, nothing that he doesn’t already know. The team had a collective response of anger to finding out Ward had dropped us from the plane. I thought Skye might break the arm of the chair she had in a death grip, and I heard May mumble, “I wish I had kicked his ass more.” I told them of our escape and how Fury rescued us from the water and brought us here. I finally had to talk about Fitz though. The team, they needed to know his condition. _Stable but critical. He is alive._ I already had tears in my eyes from just talking about everything. Everyone had encouraging looks on their faces for me to keep talking, especially Skye.  

So I start talking about Fitz. “I know you guys want to know what’s going on with Fitz. I was very vague earlier by saying that he is alive, because he is alive.” _Breathe_ I tell myself. “But he was without oxygen for several minutes. The concern is that he has suffered some sort of brain damage of unknown degree. They have devices connected to determine his brain activity, which he does have brain activity but not to the degree that they would like. If he wakes up...” I pause and shake my head a little, “When he wakes up. They say he may never be the same again.” The room is silent. I feel the tears in my eyes lingering, ready to break.

Finally Coulson speaks. “So he is alive, but we won’t know the amount of damage to his brain until he is awake.” I look at him and nod my head. I start talking again, “They also say the longer he stays unconscious, it decreases his chances of waking up.” And the tears break, and a few roll quietly and find their way down my cheeks. I absently wipe them away.

Skye asks anxiously, “So when can we see him?” The question everyone wants to know. I answer by saying, “The medical team highly encourages visiting and talking with him. So whenever you guys would like to see him you can. I do have to say he doesn’t look like himself. It is hard to see him like this with all those wires and tubes coming out of him.” I have a quick flashback of Skye in the same situation not too long ago.  _I shudder._ Skye almost died back then, but she didn’t. She is sitting here across from me alive. _Fitz is alive too. But he may never be the same._

Coulson stands up and addresses Agent Koenig. “I think it’s time you give everyone their lanyards. And I think we should all have a quick tour of the place. Then we can all head to medical to see Fitz. After that, everyone can try to settle in over the next few days.”

Agent Koenig responds with, “Of course Director Coulson.” It is weird hearing someone call Coulson Director. He has always just been Coulson or Agent Coulson. Or as Skye likes to say A.C. _Everything is changing so fast._ Koenig dishes out the lanyards which have our identification on them, and he starts to lead the way out of his office and around the facility. He shows us the workout area, wreck room slash living room, the lab, the kitchen, and our individual rooms. We start to head towards medical at this point. Skye and I had been walking at the back of the group side by side, but she slides a little closer and asks quietly, “Are you okay?” Before I have a chance to even think about answering she plows on, “Because I know you are not okay. Not after everything. But are you okay? I need to know that you are okay…that you are going to be okay.” I feel a little smile come to my face. Skye has a knack for worrying about others, and I guess I’m not an exception to that rule. “I’ll be okay Skye.” She gives me a slight disbelieving look that’s says you are a terrible liar, but I give her an encouraging nod and say, “I will be okay. We will all be okay. It’s not going to happen overnight. And it’s not going to be easy by any means. But we will be okay. I will be okay.” She narrows her eyes at me but gives a nod and seems satisfied with my answer. We continue on in comfortable silence. Until just before we get to medical she says one last thing to me, “I just want you to know, if you need someone to talk too, about anything. I’m here for you.” I answer back, “Thanks Skye. The same goes for you as well.”

We all step into medical and Koenig directs us back to the critical care unit where Fitz is located at. We are outside his room. Koenig lets everyone walk in. I follow after.

_Time seems to stop._

_The world seems to break…and shatter._


	5. We Are Not Broken

The room is spacious, and we all fit into it comfortably. I look back at the door as Koenig gives a little wave and steps out closing it behind him. The steady beep of the heart rate monitor lets me know that not much has changed since I was here last.  There are a few chairs next to Fitz bed and around the room. No one moves to sit in them. Coulson walks up to the bed and gently lays his hand on Fitz arm. I study Fitz’s face. He looks peaceful. Bruised up and arm in a cast, tubes and wires everywhere, but he does look peaceful. His breaths are deep and steady. I look at the machine monitoring his brain activity. It is showing some like it was showing earlier. I glance at the other occupants in the room. May and Trip move closer to Fitz on the opposite side of the bed as Coulson. They start talking to Fitz. _He is alive._

I glance at Skye. She hasn’t moved since she entered the room and laid eyes on Fitz. I notice her breathes are short and ragged. Tears are slowly coming down her face. I gently lay my left hand on her shoulder. I try to catch her eyes. She is frozen. I softly say her name, “Skye.” Her eyes are on mine in a heartbeat. She takes a deep breath and haphazardly wipes the tears from her face. “I..I…I can’t…I can’t. I need to go.” She brushes past me and walks quickly to the door. Her breathing is still erratic. I glance at the others, but quickly follow after Skye. I don’t have to go far to find her. She is about ten feet down the hallway leaning hard against the wall facing away from me. I don’t say anything as I approach her. I gently lay my hand on her shoulder again, and she turns to face me. I pull her into a hug, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. She returns the hug, but she is sobbing now. Her breathing is still erratic, and I am worrying that she is having a panic attack. “It’s okay Skye. It’s okay.” She hugs me tighter and sobs harder. I go on to say, “Fitz will be okay. We all will be okay. I will be okay. You will be okay.” I feel her weight shifting, standing becoming too hard with the crushing sadness weighing in. I carry her weight down to the floor. We sit, and I hug her and tell her it will be okay. Over and over and over.

_We are all so broken. This world so cruel._

I finally start to feel her breathing steady. Her sobs slow. She gently pulls away from me but grabs and holds my hands in her lap, keeping contact. She gently lifts her head to meet my gaze. Before I can stop myself, I am gently pushing the hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear. I brush some of the tears from her face and move my hand back to hers. I can tell she wants to talk. That she has something to say but doesn’t know what or how. I understand. I felt this way after she was shot. I felt this way after they told me Fitz’s condition. _Stable but critical._ There are no words.

I squeeze her hands, and I start to babble. “He is going to be okay. Fitz is going to be okay. I know how he looks in there. That isn’t him. Fitz…so full of life. He just needs to wake up…and everything will be okay.” I pause. “He just needs to wake up. He saved my life, and he needs to wake up so I can thank him.” _So I can break his heart._ “He is my best friend, and I can’t imagine this world, my world, without him in it.”

Skye is studying our hands and says, “But what if he doesn’t wake up Simmons? What if he never wakes up? Or when he does, he isn’t himself? What then? What do we do then?” She stifles back a sob. “How can you hold onto this hope? Because right now after everything that has happened…hope seems so far away. And I don’t want to get mine up if things don’t go as we want them too…hope them too.” She glances back at my face. _So very broken._

“That’s the only way I know how to keep going Skye. I hope because it gives him a chance at being okay, at waking up, being himself. I did the same when you were shot.” I’ve never told her this before. She holds my gaze as I continue, “When you were shot. It was like the world ended. I thought you were going to die. I was certain of it. But even then…even before we got the GH-325, I held onto hope that you would make it, that you would be okay. Even though I knew the odds were poor. The same goes for Fitz. The odds aren’t good. I know that. And even though I know that, I have to hold on. I have to hope. Otherwise Ward wins. Hydra wins. And we can’t let them win. Even if Fitz never fully recovers, we can’t give up on him, because he would never give up on us.” The intensity of her gaze is overwhelming now. I glance away.  She starts talking. “You’re right. Fitz would never give up on us. I guess I was just shocked after seeing him.” She pauses. “So we hope then. And we fight back.” I meet her gaze again and nod, “We fight back.” She seems satisfied with this. _We are still so very broken._

“Well okay then.” She stands up and pulls me with her, and she lets go of my hands. She wipes the rest of the tears from her face and says, “I guess I should go visit him again. He deserves that.” And I respond with, “You are absolutely right.” She looks determined and walks back into his room as I follow. The others are still there gathered around his bed talking quietly. Skye walks to the end of the bed and asks, “So what are we talking with Fitz about?” Trip responds, “That time he wanted to get a monkey.” Coulson says, “Yes he was very determined to try and find one while we were on that mission in Central America. I told him that we couldn’t have pets on the Bus. The look he gave me was nothing but determination. I swear I thought he would sneak one on board. Shoot, there could be one hiding in some side paneling for all I know.” I find myself giggling because I remember that conversation with Fitz, about where we could possibly hide a monkey. Skye says, “Well, he actually did get one on the Bus for about a minute.” Well this story I haven’t heard. “I caught him bringing it on board. I told him to take it back. This wasn’t its home. And if it shit and threw it all over the place, the monkey and Fitz life would be in jeopardy. And if the monkey did that to Lola, he really would be looking at getting kicked off the Bus and definitely an early demise. He looked like a lost puppy, but he did turn around and march off the plane with the monkey. When he came back he told me to never speak of it.” Coulson laughs and says, “Yeah if the monkey had messed with Lola we would have a problem. No one messes with Lola...not even a cute monkey.”

Finally, Coulson looks around at us. “Well guys. I need to go pay medical a visit. You guys can stay with Fitz as long as you want, but you probably should try and get some rest soon. We will have a meeting tomorrow.” He heads out of the room. May and Trip exchange a few more stories before finally heading out as well. Skye is the only one left, still standing at the foot of the bed. I finally move to the chair beside Fitz bed and sit down and take his hand. It’s warm. _He is alive._ Skye looks torn between staying a while longer or leaving. _She stays._

She moves to the chair next to mine. And we sit in silence listening to the machines. We sit in silence, and we hope.

_We are so very broken._

_But we are not beaten._


	6. The World is Full of Nightmares

I am making my way back to where our rooms are located, Skye walking beside me. We haven’t looked in the rooms yet, but each has our name located right outside the door. Skye’s room is adjacent to mine. We pass by my room first, and Skye lingers for a moment with me outside my door. It’s in that moment that I look at her. I really look at Skye. She looks exhausted. Her clothes are crumpled, her hair in slight disarray, and her eyes red from crying. Her postures slouched, and for a heartbeat, I think she’s never looked more beautiful. The moment is gone before I can really register the thought.

“Well this is me.” I say as I gently open the door to my room. I flip on the lights, and I peer in. All my stuff from my room on the Bus is conveniently located throughout this room. Skye looks in past me, and says, “Well that was nice of them to move our stuff for us.” I nod in agreement. I turn to look at her and say, “Guess we should get some rest. I don’t know about you, but the last few days have left me exhausted.” Skye responds, “Yeah…me too.” Skye looks like she doesn’t want to leave, lingering in my doorway. She bounces on her feet a little and finally says, “Well my room is right next to yours. Guess you know where to find me if you need me.” I say back, “Yeah same here.” She remains a second longer before finally saying, “Well goodnight Simmons.” She starts to walk away towards her room. And I say back, “Goodnight Skye.” I watch her for a moment walking to her room. I finally fully step into mine and close the door.

Looking around the room, it appears they have placed ALL my stuff from the Bus in here. The nightstand has pictures on it. The dresser appears to have some of the trinkets I saved on the Bus. The small closet in the corner is open and my clothes are there. I walk over to the dresser and pull open the drawers and locate some of my pajamas. I change into some long pants and a tank top. I wander over to the bed and sit down. I look around my room. It takes a few minutes to realize that something feels off about this room. I glance at the clock they placed on my nightstand. It says 3am. Maybe I am just tired. I cut on the small lamp located by the bed, and I cross over to cut off the main light. I lay down. _Exhausted._ My eyes won’t close though. Something still seems off. I sit up on my elbows and again glance around the room. It feels like the walls are pressing in, like I can’t breathe. _Then it hits me._

This room is slightly smaller than the medical pod me and Fitz were trapped in. _I can’t breathe. I am drowning._ Before I know what I am doing, I am out of my room and in the hallway. I am gulping in air, leaning against the wall. I can’t sleep in there. I can’t. I debate going to talk to Skye, but her room is the same size as mine. I can’t contemplate the thought of being in a room that small right now. I push off the wall and wander to the living room. It is huge. I don’t feel like I am drowning in here. And it has couches. I grab a blanket conveniently located on the back of one and lay down. The couch is not as soft as my bed, but it will do, as long as I don’t have to stay in that room. _Drowning._

Exhaustion finally kicks in, and I feel myself drifting off to sleep. Next thing I know, I am in the medical pod on the bottom of the ocean. Fitz is looking at me and pressing the button, and I am screaming. Suddenly he is wrestling the oxygen he gave to me out of my hands. He tries to take a breath from it to no avail. He is panicking in the water. _Drowning in the water._ Then his hands are on my throat, anger in his eyes. He is choking me, strangling me, _drowning me._ Everything fades out. And I am falling from the sky. I see the Bus way above me and growing smaller every second as the person chasing after me grows bigger. Ward. He catches up with me and grabs and pulls me close. His eyes hold no warmth, no love. His eyes are devoid of any emotion. He holds up the anti-serum and shows it to me as we continue our descent towards the ocean. He throws it. I gasp and watch it drifting away. I meet his gaze again. “You’re my friend,” I whisper. “And you’re a weakness,” he says back. He lets go of me and pulls his chute. I watch him drift above me. A few seconds later I slam into the water. _Blackness._ Suddenly I am in a room next to a bed. There is a heart rate monitor. It is flat, a constant buzz signaling no heartbeat. I look to the occupant in the bed. It’s Skye. Blood is pouring from the wounds on her belly, from the gunshot wounds. I quickly move to cover them with my hands to stop the bleeding. As soon as my hands touch her belly, she sits up. She grabs my arm. _Empty bloodshot eyes._ She whispers in a deathly voice, “You killed him. You killed me.” I try to back away but her grip tightens on my arm. _I scream._ And water is rushing in around me and Fitz. I take the breath of oxygen and grab the scruff of his collar and start swimming to the surface. I keep swimming and swimming and swimming. The surface is ever so distant. Something grabs my leg and pulls. It is Fitz, awake. Eyes full of hatred, pulling me down to the depths of the ocean, oxygen fading. _Drowning._ A distant voice and memory comes to the surface, “It’s fitting we are down here together Fitz.” Everything goes black as I try to scream, the water rushing into my lungs.

Distantly I hear a sound, a voice. Something is shaking me. “Simmons…..wake up. Simmons come on wake up!” I bolt upright. Breathing ragged and look around the room. My eyes lock on Agent May. She looks concerned. “Are you alright?” she asks. Am I? I am not. I shake my head no. She sits on the couch next to me. “Nightmare?” I shake my head yes. “Is that why you are sleeping out here?” she asks. I finally find my voice and breathlessly say, “No.” I look down at my hands. They are shaking. May seems to notice. I meet her gaze. “What time is it?” I ask. She answers that it’s right at six am. I do the math. I barely slept for three hours. I still feel exhausted. _Drowning._ The nightmares definitely not helping. “Simmons, I am not going to press you to talk, because I know you will when you are ready. I am going to do some Tai-Chi for about an hour. Would you like to join?” I hesitate in my answer. May presses on, “It may help to relax you some. Take your mind off things.” I finally answer, “Yeah…yeah sure. Do I need to go change?” “Nope…come on.” May stands up, and I follow.

The Tai-Chi did seem to help along with breakfast and some tea. It’s about nine am now, but I still feel on edge. I am heading back to my room to get some clothes to change into once I shower. I hesitate before opening the door. Finally I grab the handle and turn it. I push open the door and flick on the lights…not yet stepping into the room. I don’t know how long I stand there. I can feel my breathing increasing just thinking about going into my room, about staying in there, that tiny, small confining space. _Drowning._

Skye comes out of nowhere. “Simmons?” I barely register my name being called. “Hey! Simmons!” I jump turning to face her. She is right next to me, an anxious look on her face. She asks, “Everything all right?” I want to voice that the answer is of course no…but I find myself lying before I can stop it. I don’t want her to worry. “Um yes, of course Skye. I just didn’t sleep good last night.” Not a complete lie. “I was just about to head to the shower.” I turn to go. The nightmare surfaces before I can stop it. I imagine her eyes…bloodshot. Empty. Blood is pouring from her abdomen. She is dying in front of me. It is a true nightmare though. Even though I dreamed about it last night, it is also a not so distant reality, her actually dying and bleeding out. _I can’t breathe._ “Simmons?” I turn to look back at her. “Don’t you want to get some clothes to take with you?” I gulp slightly and say, “Yes. Of course. Silly me.” She gives me a questioning look. I march past her and head into my room without hesitation. _Keep it together Simmons._ I grab some pants and a top from my closet and some shoes to match. _It’s just a stupid room. A stupid very small room. I can’t breathe. Bloody hell._ I practically run from the room with my stuff. Skye is still standing near the door, that questioning look still on her face. I head right on past her and say, “Heading to the loo now. See you later Skye.” I hear a mumbled reply, “Yeah…sure.” I can still feel that questioning gaze boring into my back as I go down the hallway and head to the showers. I finally feel it break off as I cut the corner. I can breathe again, a little at least. Skye knows something is up, and I have a feeling she will confront me sooner rather than later about it.

I get into the showers and locate a stall near the back. I pull the curtain and strip, climbing into the steady stream of water. I let it wash over me. The hot water is relaxing. I put my head completely under the stream, and suddenly I am back in the med pod. Water is rushing in around me and Fitz. I back away quickly. My heart rate is through the roof, breathing uneven. _Drowning again._ I am crying. I quickly reach through the water and cut it off. I grab my towel and wrap it around me. I sit on the small bench off to the side within the shower stall. I am crying, hurting, aching. I can’t even do something simple as shower without being reminded of what Ward did to us. _I am broken._

_What am I going to do?_ The tears slowly stop, and I think. I was fine with the water until I completely put my head under the stream. _I wonder._ I stand up and remove my towel. I cut on the water. I let it run over my arms. I step further into the stream and let it run down my body. _I can do this._ I grab some soap and wash my body. Washing my hair proved more difficult. Every time my head would get close to the stream, I would start to have a panic attack, and I would have to calm down for a few minutes. But somehow though, I push through. _I can do this._ My hair is at least cleaner than it was. I finally stop the water and dry off. I put my clothes on. I step out of the stall and finish getting ready. _I am broken. But I am not beaten._

I am walking towards medical so I can visit Fitz, thinking along the way. The others are worried about me, justly so. May already knows that I didn’t sleep well last night. But that was just one night. And Skye I am certain knows something is up, something more than me being upset about Fitz, but she doesn’t know what. If I can just convince them I am okay, they won’t ask questions. _Do I want them to ask questions?_ I just don’t want them to worry about me. _They are already worried._ If I can establish what looks like a normal routine, they won’t have to worry about my problems. They won’t have to worry about me having nightmares or not wanting to shower or being scared of staying in my very confining room. _They don’t ever need to know._ They can just worry about me worrying about Fitz. Besides, we have bigger things to focus on…like fighting back against Hydra.

_This world is full of nightmares._

_I just have to convince them that mine isn’t._


	7. The Unconvincing Truth

The routine:

5:30am – Wake up on couch, go to room and change

6am – Meet May for Tai-Chi

7:30am – Eat breakfast and get ready for the day

9am – Visit Fitz

9:30am – Work in lab

12pm – Lunch

1:30pm – Meeting with the team

2:30pm – Back in the lab

5pm – Visit Fitz

7pm – Dinner and Hanging out with the others

9pm – Workout

10pm – Shower

11pm – Hang out in the living room until everyone goes to sleep

Between 11pm to 1am – Fall asleep on the couch

And repeat…I have been following this routine (or something roughly like it) for about two weeks now. It seems to work. It keeps me focused. It keeps me sane. It keeps the others from worrying. At least they don’t worry about inconvenient issues. _Like my problems._ It doesn’t stop them from asking about me though.

How are you doing? Are you okay? How are you holding up? Sleeping well? How is Fitz? Any improvements? Is there anything wrong? Are you sure you are okay? _You would tell me if you weren’t okay. Right?_ Want to talk? Don’t you think you should talk to someone? You’re not okay are you?

Some of the questions are from Coulson and Trip. More from May, but almost all are from Skye. _I knew they would keep worrying._ Sticking to this established routine seems to help. No one seems to know I sleep on the couch. That was my biggest fear was being discovered sleeping out there. But no one has seemed to notice, or at least no one has asked why I am sleeping out there (not yet at least). Thankfully Coulson has kept everyone busy. Trip was already being sent out on assignments. May was also going out in the field when she wasn’t training Skye. Skye was either busy training or using her hacking skills to help. Coulson had so much going on, it was difficult to tell when he was around. For the most part, I stayed in the lab. Samples would be brought in from May or Trip or from other agents that seemed to join the team over the last few weeks. Coulson had everyone staying busy thankfully. But still, Skye always seemed to find time to try and talk to me. I was grateful for it. Really I was. But the barrage of questions all the time, it was becoming too much. I was usually good at sating her curiosity. But the last few days, she was pushier. She was asking more questions, trying to gauge my response and not liking the verdict. I was close to snapping at Skye. The fear of nightmares, of showering, of small spaces. Restless sleep. Lack of sleep. Worrying about Fitz. It had been building up. Over the past few weeks everything was coming to a boiling point. It was no wonder I finally let my control go and snapped.

“Skye! I said leave it! I told you I am fine!! Now would you please leave?! I need to get back to the lab!” I was livid. She wouldn’t let it go, wouldn’t back off. Relentless questions over and over and over. And simple stupid questions at that. I had just gotten back from my afternoon visit with Fitz. She had caught up to me heading back to my room to grab a few items, and she had cornered me in it. We never talk in here. _I am suffocating._ I can feel the walls closing in. I think if I was somewhere else, maybe I wouldn’t be yelling at her. Maybe I wouldn’t feel this desperate need to escape. _Fight or flight._ I am fighting now because I have nowhere to run too. _I would rather run._ Skye is standing in front of my very much closed room door blocking my path, blocking my exit. _I am drowning._ “No Simmons! I’m not leaving until we work this out!” she says hotly.

I turn on her sharply and make a move for the door. She steps in my path. “Skye…move.” I feel my breathing becoming slightly ragged, my hands starting to tremor. _I need to get out._ Skye starts talking, “I will move once we talk. I thought you told me you were okay? Because this is clearly you not being okay Simmons.” She gives me a hard look, like she can’t believe that I have been lying to her. _Why did it take her this long to notice? She told me once that I am horrible liar. I am a horrible liar._ “I told you Skye. I am fine, and I need to get back to the lab. We will talk later.” I go to move past her. A hand slams against my shoulder and pushes me back slightly. I give her an incredulous look. My breathing is getting more uneven, my shaking hands are noticeable now. Skye looks at them, and then looks at my face. _Watching me fall apart._ She says, “A few night ago, I couldn’t sleep, and I went wandering around the base to clear my head. Saw you sleeping on the couch. I thought well maybe she had a rough night and needed a new location to crash. So I didn’t ask you about it. But it kept bugging me that you would be sleeping out there at all. So two days later, I got up in the middle of the night and wandered to the living room to find you again sleeping out there. Same thing last night. I asked May during training today if she knew if anything was bothering you besides the obvious. She said that the first night we stayed here, she found you sleeping on the couch early that morning. Said she had to wake you up from a nightmare, and that you even told her as much. She also mentioned that you said that wasn’t even the reason you were sleeping out there.” _Busted._ I feel cold sweat running down my back. I was about to start hyperventilating. I could feel it. I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking at all. _Fight or flight._ I was about to run!

Skye’s eyes shift from their hardened stare to concern. I go to move past her again, not saying a word. Her hand meets my shoulder again, but it stays there. _Comforting._ She can feel my body trembling. _Falling apart. The lie falling away. The truth ever present. I am not okay._ Concern lanced in her voice, “Simmons, you don’t look so good. Maybe you should sit down.” I reply through shaking breaths, “I. Need. To. Leave.” I try to go past her….again. Her other hand grabs my other shoulder and is directing me back towards my bed. I barely hear her say, “Simmons. I need you to calm down. I need you to breathe. I think you’re having a panic attack.” She is forcing me further into the confining space. _Suffocating._ I really am hyperventilating now. I can’t talk. _I can barely breathe._ I meet her gaze. _I want her to understand. I can’t stay in here._ I haven’t ever seen her look more concerned. I look over her shoulder at the door. _Freedom._ I try to break her grip on my shoulders as I make a quick move to the door. Somehow I manage to slip away, but she grabs my arm as I go. Instinct kicks in. _Fight or flight._ I land an elbow to her abdomen. I make it to the door, and I throw it open, stumbling into the hallway. It’s like breaking the surface of the water all over again. _Life._

I can breathe. I make it to the other side of the hallway and lean against the wall. I turn and look back into my room as I slump to the floor. I take big gulps of air, calming my breathing, calming my nerves. Just like May had instructed in Tai-Chi. Skye is on her knees catching her breath from the unexpected blow. She slowly looks up and our gazes clash. She gives me a disbelieving look. Slowly she gets up and wanders out into the hallway. She stands a few feet away looking down at me in my sitting position. “What the hell was that Simmons?”

I couldn’t lie anymore. The unconvincing truth was more trouble than in it was worth. Skye had been nothing short of a great friend to me over the past few weeks, over the past few months. And here I was lying to her because I didn’t want her to worry. Instead I had managed to make her worry more. That was never my intentions. I meet her gaze and never waver, “I’m sorry…I think…I think I need help Skye.” Her gaze softens. I look away. She wanders over next to me and sits down. Her hand lands on my knee. She says, “I told you that if you ever needed to talk that I am here for you. I also told you that I needed to make sure you are okay, but clearly you have been doing a damn good job at lying, so point for Simmons.” I feel a small smile tug on my lips. “How about this, we meet after dinner in the living room. I think we need to talk about everything that has been going on. Also, you had said you wanted to talk to me about what happened with you and Fitz shortly after we got here. And we haven’t gotten around to that discussion yet because I didn’t want to push you to talk if you weren’t ready. But I’m pushing now Simmons. _I need you to be okay. Because that’s the only way I am going to be okay._ ”

I feel my breath catch in my throat. Skye stands up and offers me her hand. I take it, and she pulls me to my feet. She has a bit of a sheepish look on her face. She starts talking again, “Now go do your science-y lab thing that you are so good at. I’ll see you later.” She turns on her heel and seems to power walk down the hallway and around the corner. I feel a slight blush on my cheeks. My heart rate is slightly increased. My palms are a little sweaty. It’s not from being trapped in that room either. It’s because of what Skye said. _I need you to be okay. Because that’s the only way I am going to be okay._ I’m not sure what to make of this small confession from Skye. It took a lot for her to say that. That sheepish look is not something I usually see on the overly confident girl. I turn to walk to the lab, processing these thoughts as I go.

_I am not okay._

_But maybe with some help, one day I will be._


	8. Finding a Way

I work in the lab for about an hour. Some important samples needed to get processed, and I couldn’t just let anyone else take care of them. I finish up my work and wander to the kitchen. Trip is near the stove cooking what appear to be fajitas. Some of the maintenance techs from the hanger are helping him. Skye is in a discussion with a few of the newer agents to come to the Playground at a table. May is sitting at a different table by herself. I make my way over to her. She is reading over some files. I take a seat across from her.

“Agent May,” I say. She barely looks up, “Simmons.” “Everything going well?” I ask. She gives me a quick look. “It is. Can you say the same about yourself?” I pause…what to say to that. I glance over my shoulder at where Skye is sitting. She looks up and catches my gaze but doesn’t hold it. “Did Skye say…”I start. But May interrupts, “Skye didn’t have to say anything Simmons. We are all agents here. I was just observing.” She pauses and looks around the room, “Look. I know you are dealing with some stuff. We all are. And so far that hasn’t affected your work in the lab. And I know it takes time to deal with things. But whatever you are dealing with, it is affecting the team, especially Skye. She has had a hard time focusing, mainly the last few days. She has been worried about you. We all have. So you need to talk to someone, and try and pull it together, because we need you Simmons.” May stands up to leave, “I do hope you continue our Tai-Chi sessions. Mainly because I think it will continue to help you maintain your focus.” I give a nod, and she walks away.

Trip comes around handing out food. I thank him and eat in silence. Alone. What a day so far. The rest of dinner goes without a hitch. It seems like I just started eating, but I am done. And the room is mostly empty. I clean up after myself and wander to the living room area. It is empty for once. I take a seat on the couch and cut on the telly. I flip to a random channel and barely pay attention. This is how Skye finds me a while later.

“Hey,” she says entering the room. I look up and reply, “Hello Skye.” I have a quick flashback to the day I jumped off the plane. Ward and I are standing around talking. Joking. She comes out of nowhere. _Oh…Hello Skye._ Crushing me in a hug. Afterwards she told me never to do something so stupid again. I laughed it off. I told her it was for the good of the team. She hugged me again, telling me to please be careful in the future. _That seems like a lifetime ago._

She wanders further in the room and glances at the telly. “What are you watching?” she asks. I glance up at the tv and it is some random channel of two guys hunting. “I have no idea,” I reply. She chuckles. “Mind if I sit,” she gestures towards the couch I am sitting on. I say back, “By all means.” I cut off the tv. She takes a seat a little ways from me and glances around the room before her eyes finally settle on mine. I shift a little under her gaze. “So I guess we should talk,” she starts. “Yeah I guess we should,” I reply. _Breathe._

She doesn’t seem to know where to begin. She shifts in her seat some. “So…you attacking me in your room. How about we start there,” she says so nonchalantly. I gape for a second but recover. “I uh…well…hmm…I guess that is a place to start.” She nods her agreement, “So why sucker punch me in the gut. I was just trying to help. I mean I knew you were having a panic attack.” I look at her and say, “I didn’t mean to hurt you Skye. I just couldn’t stay in that room.” I can feel some moisture building in my eyes. Now is not the time to dissolve to tears. She nods her head and asks softly, “So why couldn’t you stay in there?” My watery gaze meets hers hard, “I felt like I was suffocating, like I was drowning. That….that any second the walls were going to come crashing in. That any second water was going to fill up that tiny space. Every time I walk in there Skye, it’s like reliving a nightmare over and over, so I had to get out.” I can feel a few tears fall down my face. I pay them no attention. Too focused on finally telling someone about what I had been feeling these past few weeks. _The truth._ “I’m so tired of being scared and afraid. Of not knowing what is going to happen. That room is smaller than the medical pod me and Fitz escaped from. The thought of having to stay in there, sleep in there, it’s unbearable.” I pause for second. “So I sleep out here where it is quite spacious. I don’t feel like the walls are going to crush me. That the ocean is going to come flooding in again at any second. I am so so sorry for hurting you. I never intentionally would. You know that right?”

Her gaze is soft upon mine. She responds, “I know you wouldn’t hurt me intentionally Simmons. You sure did get me with that sucker punch though.” A slight grin which turns a little sad. “What hurts me most though is how bad you have been hurting, of being scared, and dealing with this shit. I mean you can barely stay in your room for a few minutes Simmons. You managed to lie to us, _to me_ , for the last few weeks about all this. That is quite a feat for someone who can’t lie very well. Maybe you are getting better at it.” A slight sad smile is what she sends my way. I respond, “I can’t apologize enough Skye. I didn’t want to lie. I just really didn’t want anyone to worry. We have so much going on with trying to rebuild S.H.I.E.L.D. I just felt my problems could fall to the back burner for a while, and that I could deal with them by myself.”

“That’s just it Simmons,” she says. “You don’t have to deal with this alone. All of us are in this together, and we are here for you no matter what. All of us have stuff going on that we are dealing with. But we talk to each other. That is how we cope. How we deal with all this.” She keeps her gaze steady on mine. “You said it yourself once before Simmons. You are not okay. I’m not okay. None of us are. It’s just going to take time. And we have to stick together. We have to stick together. That’s the only way any of us are going to be okay.” _Broken but not beaten._

I don’t know what to say in response. So I sit in silence and study my hands. “Simmons?” A hand covers mine. Skye is sitting right next to me now. I didn’t even notice her move. Her hand is warm, comforting. It’s keeping me steady. My gaze stays focused on our hands. “Thanks Skye,” I say. She responds with a nod and says, “So…you have also been having nightmares?” I give a nod. “Anything else been bothering you?” I look around the room and whisper a quiet, “Yes.” We sit in silence for a few minutes as Skye gives me the time I need to talk. I finally look back to her. I start talking. “I am finding it difficult to shower. I..um…I keep reliving the moment me and Fitz blew the door on the med pod and the water is rushing in. Every time I put my head under the water, it happens. I feel like I am back on the bottom of the ocean.” I see a look pass over Skye’s face. It is dark and angry, but just as soon as it shows up, it is gone. “Well…that sucks.” I can’t help myself, but I laugh. Skye looks surprised, so I laugh some more and say, “You are quite right…it does suck.” Skye starts to giggle and squeezes my hand a little.

“It’s actually been getting better. The showering. May’s Tai-Chi lessons have seemed to help,” I say. “Well that’s good,” she responds. I say, “I just wish they could help more with the nightmares and with staying in my room.” Skye nods. I suddenly have the urge to talk about her mission taking down Garrett. “Skye, Coulson debriefed me on your mission against Garrett. It sounded very dangerous. All of you guys could have died too, so I have to advise that you should be more careful in the future.” She gives me a sweet look and says, “Aww Simmons we were in good hands. Nick Fury showed up in time to save the day. And May completely kicked Ward’s ass. It was amazing. And yes you are right. Anything could have happened to any of us that day. But things went as well as could be expected, and we made it out. We made it out.” I respond with, “I guess what I am trying to say is I was worried about you guys that day. I honestly didn’t know who would be coming back to the Playground, so seeing all of you, it was such a relief.”

Skye squeezes my hand again and leans back against the couch some. “So…do you want to talk about you and Fitz?” she asks carefully. It starts to dawn on me that this may be the source of some of my problems. Why the nightmares I have are of him in pure rage. In anger. In disappointment. Maybe talking about it will help. No point beating around the bush anymore. I dive in and say, “Fitz is in love with me.” Skye slow blinks at me and says, “Okay…and?” I balk, “ _And?_ And nothing! He is in love with me Skye. Like completely head over heels in love with me. Why aren’t you acting surprised?” “Seriously Simmons? This is like old news. I mean I thought you two were practically married already. You always seem so in sync, so aligned, knowing each other’s thoughts. It is actually a bit freaky.” I pull my hand away from Skye’s and stand up and start pacing the room. I turn and look at her, “So you knew Fitz was in love with me? And you think that I am in love with him?” “Well yeah…or at least I thought so…but I am starting to sense I am completely off about this,” she says. “Completely off would be a nice way of putting it,“ I mutter. “I love him Skye, but just as a friend. I am not in love with him.”

She looks at me for a moment. I feel like she is really looking at me, like she is just seeing me for the first time. I shift under her scrutiny. “So he is in love with you _. And you don’t feel the same_ ,” she says carefully. “And he sacrificed his life for you. Wait…when did he tell you this? Right before you escaped? Did you get a chance to say anything back?” I continue to pace the room, “He told me a few seconds before we blew the glass. Basically he shoved the oxygen container in my hands and told me to take it. That he couldn’t live if I didn’t. He also said that he didn’t have the courage before, to tell me I was more than just a friend, so he wanted to show me. A few seconds later, he presses the button and water is rushing in. I barely had a chance to say anything. I mean I thought our relationship was platonic. All the years I have known him, and he never said a word.” I finally sit back down on the couch next to Skye. “Skye, when he wakes up I have to tell him. I have to tell him the truth, that I don’t feel the same. He will be heartbroken, but he deserves the truth. After saving my life, he deserves nothing less.” _Picking up the pieces._

Skye takes my hand again and gives it a squeeze and grins, “Well when he does wake up, I probably wouldn’t open with that, the not loving him part. I would start with saying thanks for saving my life.” The grin disappears, “Like you said, we don’t know how he is going to be when he wakes up.” I nod, “That’s what scares me most. He deserves the truth, but I don’t know when he will get it.” Skye presses on, “Well, we will find a way. Us agents here at S.H.I.E.L.D. always do.” Skye glances at the clock in the room. “It’s getting late. We should probably get some rest.” She lets go of my hand and stands up. I say, “Even though we talked Skye, I still can’t go sleep in my room.” “I know,” she says. “I plan to talk to Coulson tomorrow. Get you assigned a bigger room if at all possible. I think he will understand.” I couldn’t feel more grateful. She keeps talking, “Also I plan to sleep on this couch over here. To keep you company.” She walks over to it and sits down.

The amount of gratitude I feel right now is overwhelming. Skye has been so great tonight, and she keeps on doing these little things that make me appreciate her even more. I feel my heart rate increase slightly, a slight blush on my cheeks. I look across the room at her sitting on the couch. Her hair is slightly tousled from the long day. Her tank top is a little form fitting. Her face looks soft, gentle. She looks so alive, so beautiful. I am snapped out of my daydream by her complaints, “How the hell have you been sleeping out here Simmons. This couch. It sucks!” She is laying down on it now and looks completely disgruntled. I push the thoughts I had aside and laugh. “It’s not that bad Skye.” She mumbles back, “Well I know for certain you are lying this time.” I chuckle. I get up and go to cut the lights off and move back to my couch lying down.

We lay in silence for a few minutes. “Skye?” I hear her grunt in response. “Thank you. For being such a great friend.” She responds back with a husky reply, “Right back at you Simmons.” I feel a slight smile on my face. “G’night Skye.” Another grunt in response. I start to drift off to sleep, for the first time in a while feeling almost okay. Skye’s words from earlier today come back to me as I drift. _I need you to be okay. Because that’s the only way I am going to be okay._

_We are not beaten._

_We will be okay._

_We will find a way._


	9. The Turn

It had been about a week since Skye started sleeping out in the living room with me. She had talked to Coulson. Turns out the rooms did not get any bigger than the ones we were supposed to stay in. If anything they got smaller, so until we could figure out a way to help me adapt to small spaces again, it was sleeping out in the living room. I had told Skye multiple times I was fine out here by myself, but she insisted on keeping me company each night. Personally I think she was scared of me having nightmares and being by myself to deal with them. Truth is…I still had them every night. Some nights not as bad as others, but I had been having them for weeks. I was used to them. I would wake up, calm myself down, and go back to sleep. Skye always told me to wake her up if I ever needed to talk. _I never did. I didn’t want too._ So I never woke her up, until one night, unintentionally, _I did_.

I am yelling, “No…please no!” A distance voice is calling to me, “Simmons.” I continue to yell, “I’m sorry!” The voice getting closer, “Simmons?! Come on! Wake up!” Yelling, “I’m so sorry!!” Then someone is shaking me. Someone is shaking me hard. And the voice is loud and clear, “Jemma!!” I slam back into consciousness, and I sit up fast, my head almost connecting with the one hovering over me. I am drenched in sweat, eyes wide and darting. One of the lamps is on, shedding some light to the usually dark room. And then there is Skye, crouched on the floor next to my couch. The worry on her face is clear. Everything is still foggy. The dream…the nightmare…fading away. “Hey…hey…are you okay?” she asks. I shake my head no, sitting up better on the couch, and reply, “I um…I just need a minute.” I shake away the rest of the nightmare and take a deep breath, calming myself. I slow my breathing, making myself aware of my surroundings. Skye’s hand is covering mine. My heart rate increases slightly.

I focus my eyes on Skye. She still looks worried. Her thumb is rubbing circles on the back of my hand. It’s soothing. My heart rate still a little elevated. I feel a slight blush on my cheeks, the cool sweat on my back ever present. I start talking, “I think I’m okay now.” She releases a sigh, “Okay good. Good. That’s good.” She is rambling. “And you’re sure you’re okay? Because I swear all that talking and mumbling and thrashing about did not look and sound okay. I mean you look okay now…but that was just really scary Simmons. I mean really scary. I couldn’t get you to wake up. And it seemed like the harder I tried, the worse you were getting. Until just finally you woke up. Thankfully.” She takes a breath, “So you’re sure you’re okay? That you are good? That—“ I stop her from rambling more, “Skye.” She looks a bit shocked that I interrupted her. I squeeze her hand. “I’m okay.” She kind of gapes at me for a second, “Yeah….yeah…good. That’s good.” I find it endearing. How worried she is. The rambling. My heart rate is still a little elevated. _Odd._

She shifts from her crouched position to sit on the couch next to me. I can feel her body heat against my legs. It’s calming. She still has a hold of my hand, and almost realizing this, she gently lets it go. “So what were you…” she trails off, “I mean if you don’t want to talk about it you don’t have too. It’s still late or early. Depending on how you look at it.” She is wringing her hands and goes on, “And if you just want to go back to sleep, I understand. And—“ “Skye!” I stop her talking again. “You’re rambling.” She looks surprised. She looks tense, “Oh I am aren’t I. Well I’m just worried. And I just wanted to make sure—“ I cut her off, “I’m okay Skye.” She doesn’t look convinced, “I promise I’m okay. How about I tell you a little about the dream, or at least what I remember. It may help me sleep better if I talk about my nightmares.” This seems to visibly relax Skye. _Because this is what she wanted, for me to talk about these dreams. These nightmares._ “Yeah sure…but only if you want too.”

I shift a little on the couch, trying to get more comfortable. “Well most nights I have multiple dreams. Most of them are about Fitz. Some are about Ward. A lot are also about you.” I think I see her blush a little at this, but it could be the lighting. She clears her throat, “And…um…what were you dreaming about tonight?”  I start talking, “Well…from what I can remember. The last dream was about you. The day you were shot.” I pause and take a breath, “We had just found you in that basement, bleeding out. There was a lot of blood. More than there should have been. I try to slow the bleeding with pressure. It doesn’t want to stop, so we get you to the hyperbaric chamber and you stabilize. I remember looking down and my hands are covered in blood.” I study my hands for a moment, _once they really were covered in blood, her blood,_ and continue, “The dream shifts at this point, and we have you in the medical pod on the Bus, after they did surgery on you. Coulson tasked me with keeping you alive, until they returned from their mission. Every time I look at my hands though, I keep seeing blood, just so much blood.”

I am rubbing my hands without realizing it, trying to scrub them clean. Skye’s hand covers my own. So warm. _So safe._ My eyes find hers, her gaze is soft. There is still a hint of worry, and a look I haven’t really seen before. She says in a low voice, “And then what happened?” I take a moment, “Well. You start to code. And I rush into the room and start CPR. But every time we get you back, you code again. And again. And again. And then I look down at my hands, and they are covered in blood. I look back at you, and you are bleeding out from your abdomen. And the heart rate monitor is flat. And I start yelling because I was supposed to save you. I was supposed to keep you alive, and you just die. _You just die_ , right in front of me. And there is always so much blood. And no matter how hard I fight to keep you there, you always slip away. It’s usually at that point that Coulson will show up with the GH-325 that could have saved your life, but it’s always too late.” I hadn’t even realized I was crying until Skye is gently using her hand to wipe tears from my face. Her right hand is on my left cheek. _So safe._ She keeps her hand there, her thumb softly grazing my cheek removing the tears. _Comforting._ I lean into the touch unconsciously. We stay like that for a moment until she finally moves her hand away. The trance is broken. My stomach is in knots. _Turning._

It’s at this point I notice that she has a few tears on her face as well. The lighting in the room is throwing shadows on her face, hair tousled from sleep. Beautiful. _My stomach takes another turn._ She whispers, “I’m so sorry Simmons. I never knew…I just…I didn’t know.” She has a distraught look on her face, “Did you have nightmares like this after I was…” I nod gently. The look on her face is heart breaking. “Skye.” She won’t meet my gaze. “Skye.” I move my hand to gently tilt her chin up to look at me. “You are alive. And everything is okay. It was just a dream.” She pulls away, “No it’s not just a dream Simmons! These dreams are nightmares! Ones that you are having because of me, because of everything that is happening! They are affecting your life…I just…I hate this…” “You didn’t ask to get shot Skye,” I say. “You didn’t ask for that. And in the dream you die, but that’s not what happened. You are alive. You are here right now, and _you are alive!_ And I am grateful for that every day, that you are alive and well and still here with us. _I can’t imagine my life without you._ ” I feel my breath hitch a little. _Chest tightening._

She can’t seem to decide what she wants to do, so she pulls me into a tight hug. _So warm._ My heart feels like it is about to beat out of my chest. She whispers, “Thanks Jemma.” Her voice so soft, I barely heard it. But I did… _she has never used my first name before_. Or at least this is the first time I have noticed it. My stomach went from turning, clenching to somersaulting. She pulls away. The warmth is gone immediately. She has an apprehensive look on her face. “I’m glad you were able to talk to me, about your dream,” she says. It feels a little awkward, forced. _Something has shifted._ “Yeah me too,” I say with a slight smile. She nods, stands and says, “I guess we should try to get some more sleep.” She moves towards her couch and sits down. “Skye…thanks for listening.” A pause, “Of course. Anytime Simmons.” _Disappointment._ I thought she would use my first name. _Why am I disappointed that she didn’t?_ Silence consumes the room, and I lay back down. I have never felt more relieved and more anxious at that same time before. I feel relief that I was finally able to talk about my dreams. Am I anxious that I may have upset Skye? _My stomach clenches._ I lay on my side. _A realization dawns and fades_ as sleep comes, and I thankfully drift off into a dreamless void.

_Sometimes it takes a turn, an about face, to realize what we may have been looking for has been right in front of us all along._

_So I turn. Unexpected._

_About face. The unexpected…it changes everything._

_And I march on into a very uncertain future._


	10. I'm Waking Up

The waking world slowly comes to life. It’s quiet, too quiet. I slowly sit up and look around the room. It’s dark. I cut the lamp on beside my couch, and I glance at the clock. 5:20 am. It’s about my normal waking time. I glance over at Skye’s couch. She usually sleeps in a bit longer than I do. She is gone, her blankets and pillows gone. It occurs to me suddenly the reason it is so quiet. I have gotten so used to Skye’s soft snores. It’s a little unsettling them not being present in the room at this hour. _Where did she go?_ I stand and stretch. She didn’t mention having any special projects going on that required working out of her normal routine. _I wonder…_

I start my day, and I continue with my normal routine. I go change and meet May for Tai-Chi. I ask about Skye. May said that she doesn’t know of anything going on. _Odd._ I go to breakfast. Trip is there. Usually Skye is present by now. No sign of her. I ask Trip if he has seen her, and he responds with a not yet. I shrugged it off and continue on with my day. I go to visit Fitz. No change with him, waiting for him hopefully to wake up. I go to the lab and work until lunch. No sign of Skye at lunch time either. _This really is odd._ I go back to the lab and continue working until around five. The day pretty much done, I make my way down to medical to visit Fitz again. I think along the way that I will go look for Skye if she isn’t present at dinner. She’s not. This really is off putting. I didn’t realize how much I had come to rely on her, especially over the past week, until she is nowhere to be found. _Where is she?_

I go to her room. It’s the obvious place to look. I knock. I stand there a second... _no answer_. I knock again and wait. _Nothing._ I find myself grabbing for the doorknob, turning and saying, “Skye” as I open the door. And there she is sitting on her bed with ear buds in, working on her laptop. Noticing me, she turns and looks my way and holds up a finger indicating just a second. I stand firmly in the doorway, _afraid to enter._ She types for a minute more. Stops and pulls out her ear buds and says, “Hey Simmons. What’s up?”

I find myself stuttering, “I um well…I wanted to make sure everything was alright. I haven’t seen you all day. Literally. You missed all the meal times, so I just wanted to come and check in on you.” Skye responds with, “Thanks Simmons, and I’m fine. Just been working on some security codes for Coulson. He asked me about it last week, and I have been putting it off. Thought I would work on it today. I work better doing all this stuff in one big sesh anyway. Guess I was so absorbed I lost track of time.” Her gaze flickers slightly. _She’s lying._ This revelation stuns me a little. I let it slide. “Well just make sure you go and eat something please. Wouldn’t want you passing out or what not. Well I should go. I have some samples in the lab I need to check. I guess I’ll see you later.” I turn to go. Her voice stops me, “Hey, I think I may crash in here tonight. I really need to work on this. I don’t know how long it’s going to take, but I have a feeling Coulson will be breathing down my neck if it doesn’t get finished soon.” I glance back over my shoulder at her. “Yeah…well alright. Um…I guess I will see you tomorrow then.” She gives a nod and is already putting her ear buds back in. I close the door. I stand there a moment trying to process. Skye just lied to me. Like a big blatant lie. A lie that screams that she doesn’t want to be anywhere near me right now. That she is avoiding me. _Is this because of last night?_

I start heading back towards the lab. _Distraught._ Why would she be ignoring me? Maybe the whole story she told wasn’t a lie. She was obviously working on something. Something important. I doubt it required her to work on it all day and possibly late into the night. _I will let this slide._ I have a feeling she is upset after I told her about my dream. She had been wanting me to talk to her about them. I’m not sure what she expected. Did she really think I wouldn’t have nightmares about that day? The day she was shot? Or the days that followed? Usually a traumatic event can bring up past ones. _Repressed thoughts coming to the surface._ The nightmares I had did make a lot of sense. The day I jumped from the plane, the day Skye was shot, and the day Fitz and I almost died. They sucked, but they made sense. No matter how far I try to put them behind me, those days will constantly haunt me. _My ghosts._

I make it to the lab and start working on the samples on autopilot. My thoughts are occupied about Skye and her behavior. I finish up for the day. Before I know it, I am sitting on the couch about to go to sleep. I sit there for a while watching colors flash by on a muted television, thoughts running rampant. I sit, and I wait. I almost hope Skye will show up. She doesn’t. I finally cave around midnight. I cut off the tv and the lights. I lay down, and I sleep. _The nightmares have never been worse._

I wake up, panting. Tears are stinging the corners of my eyes. I sit up and cut on the lamp. Trying to catch my breath and wiping away the tears. I look to the other couch, which is so very vacant. I look at the clock…it’s only two. I sigh. The nightmares were relentless. One after another…Fitz, Ward, Skye…back to back to back. All were running together. I can’t go back to sleep yet. I decide to go for a walk around the base, and try to clear my head. I wander around for about ten minutes or so. I find myself passing by Skye’s door. I can see a light on underneath. _I walk on by._

I eventually find myself in the workout area. The only light on in the room is the security one. I don’t cut on the rest, leaving shadows to fall around the room. I walk over to one of the big punching bags and eye it up and down for a minute. I never mess with it when I work out. I glance around the room like someone may be watching in the shadows. I look back to the bag and form a fist. I punch it softly trying to get a feel for it. I punch it again, harder and harder. _It is gratifying._ I find a rhythm. Jab. Punch. Jab. Punch. Over and over and over. I am breathing hard and sweating, but it feels so good to punch this stupid bag, to take out all of my frustrations, emotions, everything with physical force. _I feel alive._

I keep on with my ruthless assault. I thought I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, just my imagination more than not. I keep on and on and on, and then suddenly I am exhausted. I lean my body and head against the bag breathing hard. I’m trying to catch my breath, and I am feeling better than I have in a while. Why I had I never thought of punching something to make me feel better? I start laughing. _I feel alive._ Finally, I back away from the bag. I give it a nod, and I head back towards the living room. I still need to sleep some more. I make it back, kill the light, and lay back on the couch. Sleep comes, and the nightmares are vanquished, at least for tonight.

The next morning starts off like the last one. I go through my routine. I don’t see Skye until dinner. She looks exhausted. She looks like she has also been crying, eyes puffy. I decide against approaching her. If she wants to talk, she will come to me. _Give her space. It tugs at my heart. I let it go._ I talk to May though. I had a revelation of trying to incorporate Tai-Chi and mediation to help me overcome my fear of small rooms. May says she will help. Our Tai-Chi lessons start tomorrow morning in my room. _Wonderful._ I make sure that my work out that night incorporates using the punching bag. _Reviving._ I go shower and go to bed feeling amazing. I stay up again close to midnight, hoping Skye will show. No sign. I go to sleep, and for the first time, I have no nightmares the entire night.

The next day kicks off with me and May standing in my room. I am having a slight panic attack. May keeps talking to me, helping me control my breathing. _Steady._ I end up staying in my room for about fifteen minutes before I finally relent and have to tell May I need a break. She looks impressed. She tells me I did a good job. We break for a few minutes and try again. The same happens. After about fifteen minutes, I can’t handle it anymore, but all I can think is that was fifteen minutes I couldn’t do yesterday. _Alive._ May and I are talking in the hallway when a very sleepy Skye pokes her head out of her room. She looks startled to see us standing there. She gives a wave and heads towards the bathroom. May looks back towards me.

“Everything all right?” she asks. I respond with a tight smile and a, “I think so.” May just nods and continues on, “Well I am very impressed Simmons. I think this was a great idea. You may not want to sleep in your room anytime soon, but this is a great improvement. Let me know if you need help with anything else.” She starts to walk away. “Um May.” She turns around. “If you don’t mind there is one other thing. It seems that using the punching bag when I work out helps as well. If you could help me with some…I dunno…tips or what not on technique and form, I would appreciate it.” She eyes me over, “You work out later in the evening right?” I nod. She replies, “Well I guess I will see you later tonight then.” And she turns on her heel and leaves. Skye is coming back around the corner at about this time. I eyeball her and think about talking. I decide against it. I head into my room, and I close the door. _I can do this._ I get ready. I take my time until the overwhelming feeling of suffocation takes over. I finally walk out of the room. I am startled to find Skye standing outside, leaning against the wall.

“I just had to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me,” she says. “You know you were just in there, with the door closed, for like a full ten minutes right Simmons?” I nod my head, “Of course. May just helped me with some Tai-Chi. We practiced in my room. I thought it might help with some of my anxiety, so I was just testing the waters to see how I would do by myself.” Skye nods. I ask, “Did you finish your security coding for Coulson?” She says, “Ha yeah I did. Thankfully. I think I may have exhausted myself. It was more work than I was anticipating, but Coulson seemed pleased with the end product.”  I respond with, “Well that’s good.” _Tension._ “Well I think I am going to go get breakfast. I have a lot of work in the lab to do today. Some of those new agents brought in some interesting samples.” Skye looks tense, “Yeah okay. Well I guess I will catch you later.” “Yeah sure,” I say as I give her a slight smile and head towards the kitchen. _A tightness building in my chest._

I don’t see Skye for the rest of the day. I conclude that she is actively ignoring me at this point, or I could be completely off. I mean she did talk to me this morning, and she was exhausted. Maybe she was sleeping. The rest of the day is unremarkable. I find myself that evening in the workout room. May and Skye are waiting for me. I feel like it’s a setup by May somehow. I’m just not sure how yet. I have a feeling she knows me and Skye had not talked in a day or two. May is one of the best agents for a reason. “So,” she starts, “I figured I could incorporate some of your training Skye with helping Simmons hone her punching techniques. What I would like you to do Skye is show Simmons how to throw a punch, and help her technique while also showing her different combination she can do.” Skye hesitates for a second, “So this is part of my training then?” May gives her a look and says, “Very much so. You two can begin.” She wanders off to another part of the room and starts some training of her own, leaving us alone. _Tension._ Skye says, “Well I guess let’s get started.” She helps me with my posture and stance. Showing me how to jab, punch, hook, uppercut, etc. She has to correct my stance a few times, gently putting her hands on me to correct my position. I feel butterflies wriggling in my stomach every time she has to help. I try to make sure I get the positions right the first time. Her touch is overwhelming my senses. _Focus._ Thankfully once I get going on the bag, Skye doesn’t normally stop me. It feels good. Punching, jabbing, hitting something. _Alive._

What seems like forever finally ends. _Breathe._ We have been working out for at least an hour. Skye seems impressed with my progress. “Good job Simmons. We will have you trained as a field agent before you know it.” She gives me a pat on my shoulder. _My breath catches._ May comes over to us and tells us good job. She says we will continue tomorrow night. I tense. I did ask for help, but I hadn’t planned on Skye being a part of this. I thank both of them and head to the shower. Thankfully showering has become a lot easier, the Tai-Chi helping me to focus. The panic attacks are less frequent in here. I finish up and go back to my room. I stay in there for about ten minutes, focusing on my breathing. Once it becomes overwhelming, I leave. I make my way towards the living room. I cut everything off around eleven. I am exhausted. I drift off into another dreamless night.

 

* * *

 

Morning comes. I wake up. I stretch. I cut on the light and glance around the room. It’s about five thirty, and I am hearing snores. I look at the other couch and surprisingly Skye is there. I stare at her for a few minutes. She looks peaceful. _So beautiful._ The last couple of days have been nothing short of confusing. Something has shifted between me and Skye. I feel nervous around her when I never did before, and her touch makes me anxious and my stomach flutter. Staring at her prone form, I realize with clarity. _I like her._

I stand up quickly at this sudden realization. I need to go. What am I doing? Oh my God…I can’t have feelings for her can I? Can I?! I feel sweat going down my back. Complete tension in my body, my stomach flipping, my chest tightening. Yeah, I need to go before she wakes up and sees me like a deer in the headlights. I don’t make it far though. The little pager I have on me that’s supposed to let me know if something changes with Fitz goes off. I freeze glancing down at it. The message is a couple of number. It’s not a 911 or a code, but the message I have been so desperately waiting for since we came to the Playground. I don’t know what to feel. Anxious, excited, nervous, happy? I glance up. Skye is awake on her couch. She is looking at me and rubbing sleep from her eyes. “What was that noise Simmons?” I answer back slightly in shock, “That was the pager for Fitz.” This gets Skye’s attention quickly. She half stands up, completely awake now, and asks expectantly, “And?” I reply back excitedly, “He’s awake!”

_Crash & burn._


	11. Drowning

In that moment, the feelings I have for Skye are thrust aside. I push them down. I hide them away, for a while at least. Fitz is awake! He is actually awake. They wouldn’t have paged me this number otherwise. It doesn’t matter how he is, it just matters that he is awake. Me and Skye barrel towards medical together. Excited, nervous, anxious. We are getting close to the room, and May and Coulson are outside. They look apprehensive. I don’t like that look. I keep heading towards the door of the room. Coulson makes a move to stop me and says, “Simmons maybe you should wait.”  I push forwards and into the room, Skye is hot on my heels. They would have to physically stop me right now from going in there. I make it into the room. Everything stops. Time halts.  _Crash & burn._

Skye practically runs into me from behind. I barely notice. There is my friend, my best friend, very much awake, very much alive. He is talking, but nothing makes sense. He isn’t making sense. He is yelling something. The doctors are hustling around him. Time has no meaning. “Fitz…” I start. His gaze meets mine. I hear him say, “Jemma.” Then the rest of his sentence is garbled. It makes no sense. I make a move towards him, but someone has grabbed my arm holding me back. I glance over my shoulder. It is Skye. She is keeping me from going to Fitz. Suddenly his heart rate monitor is off the chart. He is still talking, yelling. Nothing is making sense in this room. I hear a doctor say, “Get her out of here. She is making him worse.” Skye tugs on my arm as a doctor comes over and tells us gently to please leave. I hear more muttering from the other doctors saying to sedate him. I can’t move. I am frozen. _Suffocating._ I feel like I am back on the bottom of the ocean for a heartbeat. _“It’s fitting we’re down here together Fitz.”_  I hardly hear Skye say, “Simmons come on.” The doctor is still asking us to leave trying to direct us towards the door. My eyes are glued on Fitz face, that face that looks so lost. Skye pulls my arm a little more forcefully this time, “Jemma come on!” That gets my attention. I can’t think. I head towards the door and out into the hallway without any more prompting.

Coulson and May are still outside. They look concerned as me and Skye make our way out of the room. I break away, and I find myself wandering further down the hallway. _Shocked._ I knew that things may be bad when he woke up, but this was terrifying. He could barely talk. I feel a few tears at the corners of my eyes, and then I feel a presence behind me. I turn. It is Skye. She has tears in her eyes as well. I don’t think. I just act. Next thing I know I am hugging Skye, the one person who has made me feel alive over the last few weeks. She hugs me back tightly. The words from the doctor suddenly come to me…. _Get her out of here. She is making him worse._ Does that mean…what does that mean? I hug Skye tighter, pressing my face into her shoulder, enjoying the feel of her body. The warmth. The comfort. I don’t want to let go, but eventually I do. I pull back and hold her at arm’s length. “He’s awake,” I say. She just looks at me, so full of worry. “He’s awake,” I mutter again. Skye sadly responds, “Yeah…” I let go of her at this time, but as I do, she reaches down and grabs my hand and holds it. “Come on,” she says. She leads me back down the hallway towards May and Coulson and to a doctor that is talking to them. They address us as we approach. Coulson introduces us to the doctor. He is one I haven’t met before. I don’t catch his name, and I don’t care to. He is the one that wanted to get us out of the room. _She is making him worse._

He gives me and Skye a once over, and he tells us about Fitz. Fitz is awake, and he is stable. His communication skills are poor though, almost nonexistent. He is unable to form sentences. They had to sedate him to calm him down. The doctor looks to me and Skye and tells us that one of us made his condition worse when we entered the room. I know it was me, and I tell him as much. He lets me know that more than likely he will have to limit my contact time, everyone’s contact time, with Fitz. At least until they can get a better idea of his condition. Tears prickle my eyes. _Drowning again._

It hits me like a punch. I need to go. I need to go right now. I go to move, but Skye’s grip on my hand tightens. I look at her and say in a low voice, “I…I think I need to be alone for a bit.” Her gaze softens but her grips stays firm. She turns to look at Coulson and May, “Will you let us know if anything changes?” Coulson gives an understanding, “Of course.” Next thing I know Skye is pulling on my hand, and we are heading down the hallway. I get lost in thought, and before I know it, we are in Skye’s room. She leads me over to the bed and sits me down. I look around the room. It is pressing in. Tightly. _Everything is falling apart._ I calm my breathing though and say, “I don’t think I can stay in here very long Skye.” She is pacing the room and stops. A frustrated look passes her face, but it’s gone quickly. She comes over and grabs my hand again, leading me somewhere else. We end up in the workout room. She walks me over to some mats that are piled up, and we sit down together. No one is in here yet this morning. Everything is so quiet, but my thoughts have never been so loud. Everything seems muddled. Nothing makes sense. _The world is screaming._

We sit like this for a while. I lose track of time. Finally Skye hops off the mats, turns around and faces me and says, “Come on.” She starts walking towards the punching bags. I slowly stand up and follow. “What are we doing Skye?” She hands me some gloves to cover my hands and walks over to one of the larger bag and holds it. “We are going to work out, and we are going to try and take our minds off things for a while, to clear them. Because I know mine won’t slow down right now. So let’s hit something and hope it makes us feel better.” I slowly place the gloves on my hands and walk over to the bag she is holding steady. She gives me an encouraging nod. I take a stance, and I punch. I keep going and going. I even go on as I feel the tears streaming down my face. I fight through my blurred vision until finally all my anger burns out, and I collapse against the bag. Crying and panting. _The world is so loud._

My brain just won’t slow down, won’t stop. _She is making him worse. It’s fitting we’re down here together Fitz. I couldn’t find the courage to tell you._ _You’re more than that Jemma. Let me show you._ _The water rushes in as I scream. Drowning again and again. She is making him worse._ I have collapsed on the ground against the punching bag now. Skye has come around to the front and is crouching next to me, her hand on my shoulder. I make eye contact, “Fitz is awake.” She responds, “Yeah he is.” I nod and say, “But he’s not okay.” She replies, “No…he’s not.” I feel my breathing becoming shallow. The world is spinning. I hear a muffled, “Simmons!” Then everything fades to black.

  

* * *

 

 

The world comes back to me. Slowly. Quietly. I look around. It is a large, dimly lit medical room that I am currently in. I feel a weight on my right arm. I look down and there is a head of hair, lying against my arm, and a hand is holding my own. I unconsciously move to make myself more comfortable. My shifting causes the person, who I now realize is Skye, to wake up. She sits up slowly. Her hand still holds on to mine as she does. She looks over at me sleepily. “Jemma, you’re awake.” She smiles and continues, “I’m glad you’re awake.” I start slowly, “Um…I’m glad to be awake too, but I am drawing a blank on what happened.” Skye sits back in the chair she is in, continuing to hold my hand, gently rubbing the back of it with her thumb. She takes her other hand and combs it through her hair, ruffling it a bit. I feel a flutter in my chest. _Beautiful._ “Well,” she says, “We were trying to relieve some stress in the gym. You got upset, and the next thing I know you are passing out. That was this morning, and now…” she glances at her watch, “it is about seven at night.” She continues to look at me with that sleepy, marvelous look, like I am something precious to her. I clear my throat, “So I um…I slept all day.” She nods. “Good…good. I um…okay. Is everything okay? Did I miss anything? How is um…how is Fitz?”

She holds my gaze for a minute and looks away. “You didn’t miss anything exciting. Coulson, May, and Trip came to check on you. I have been in and out all day with training and coding some. And Fitz,” she takes a deep breath. “He is about the same as earlier. Coulson got some more information from the doctor about what they plan to do for him. They would like to get a neurologist and speech therapist to work with him over the next several weeks. The doctor earlier thinks that with time he may do okay, but they don’t know for sure,” she finishes quietly, still looking away. It feels like she has more she wants to say, but she isn’t sure how. “What is it that you’re not telling me Skye?” I ask trying to catch her eye. She finally looks up and says, “They don’t want us to see him, to visit with him over the next week. They want to get a better idea of his condition and I quote, ‘Without too much outside stimulus to interfere.’ I swear I wanted to punch those doctors in the face. We just get our friend back, and they want us to stay away.” There is bitterness to her tone. I don’t blame her. She is right, but I know the doctors wouldn’t recommend something unless they thought it would help.

I start, “Well if it helps to get him better, I am all for it, although I do share your resentment. I clearly don’t need to see him though.” She looks startled, “Simmons what are you talking about?” “You heard the doctor Skye. When we went to see him, he said I was making him worse.” I mutter on, “I can’t go see him if I make him worse.”  She protests, “Whoa whoa now Simmons. You don’t know if that doctor was right now. Fitz had just woken up. He was clearly freaking out, probably because he couldn’t communicate with us when he really wanted too. That does not mean you or me or anyone caused him to be worse.” I look down feeling dejected and say quietly, “Yeah…sure….” She squeezes my hand that she is holding and leans forward. I feel her other hand graze my chin and tilt it up. I am looking into her eyes. They are still a little sleepy, but they are also full of warmth and comfort and love. She says, “I am serious Jemma. You did not cause him to be worse in that room, so don’t blame yourself. Especially over something we have no control of. Fitz is in good hands, even if the doctor is a jerk, and it sounds like they are going to get the neurologist and speech therapist in soon, as early as tomorrow. Then we can ask them what they think and get some answers. We can get a better idea of his condition, and the recovery he will have to go through.” She pauses for a moment, “We just have to prepare ourselves, and we have to hope. Hope for the best.” The words come ringing back to mind. Similar words I spoke to Skye weeks ago. I give a slight smile, “Yeah…we hope. We hope for the best…and we fight back.” She nods, “That’s right. We are going to keep hoping and fighting.” Her fingers move from my chin as she leans back into her chair. “Well the doctors said that when you woke up, and if you felt okay, you were essentially discharged. So if you are feeling up to it, I think it’s time to go grab dinner. I am starving!” I let out a chuckle as I feel my stomach growl at the mention of food. “That sounds like a great idea,” I say.

 

* * *

 

 

The rest of the evening is unremarkable. We eat dinner, and we go crash in the living room. Even though I slept all day, I am still exhausted. Sleep comes quickly, and after the day I have had, the nightmares come easily. Morning comes too soon, and another day has dawned. I go through the motions, the routine. I found out sometime that day that the neurologist and speech therapist have assessed Fitz. I continue going through the motions, the routine and try not to think. _Drowning in worry._ A few days later, they finally talk to us. They sit down with Coulson, May, Trip, Skye, and myself. We talk about Fitz’s condition. Both the speech therapist and neurologist have high hopes for Fitz. They said it would just take time, and it would be lots of work. That included work on our parts as well. They said they wanted to evaluate each of us with Fitz to get a good idea of how to approach his therapy. They want us to help with some of the sessions. I am excited. Everyone is. It means finally getting to talk to Fitz. Finally getting to really see him since this whole hellish nightmare began. They told us they would let us individually see him for about a fifteen minute session at the end of the week. _The end of the week arrives before I know it._

I am scheduled to meet with him last that day. They go in order of who is closest to Fitz, and also who has known him the longest. They start with Trip first since he hasn’t known Fitz very long. They let him have his session, and then they wait an hour in between. They said they would talk to all of us after we were done. After they assessed how he did with each of us, they would create a schedule for us to meet with him throughout the week. I was beyond nervous. _Suffocating. Drowning._ Skye kept trying to reassure me it would all go well and everything would be okay. The day seems to drag by. Skye finds me after her session. She seems excited. She tells me it went well. I am relieved to hear this. I really am. But my stomach is knotted with nerves. Everything feels wrong, off. Before I know it, Skye is telling me I should head on down towards medical. She can sense my nerves, so she offers to walk with me. I let her.

Time seems to stop, but before I know it, we are standing in front of the door to his room. The neurologist and speech therapist are waiting for me. I turn towards Skye, my eyes wide and afraid, but she gives me an encouraging smile. I give a weak one back. She hesitates for a second and draws me into a quick hug, and she says, “It’s going to go fine Simmons, just calm down. This is Fitz remember.” I pull away and say, “Yes…right, of course.” I take a deep breath. I give a tight smile and nod towards Skye, and I turn and face the medical team. “Okay I’m ready,” I say. They head into the room, and I follow. They close the door behind me. Then I am staring Fitz in the eye, and everything shatters.

_Shatters and breaks._


	12. Destruction

I walk further in the room, and I take a seat next to his bed. I do as the doctors had instructed me to do. I start, “Hello Fitz. It’s me. Jemma. How are you doing?” I notice his heart rate monitor has started to increase since I entered the room. He is holding my gaze, looking like he wants to talk. I wait patiently. Finally he says, “Jemma…I….I….um…” He closes his eyes in frustration. I wait. The doctors told us to be patient with him. He continues to mumble for a minute before finally saying, “I um….eh….okay.” I respond back kindly with, “I’m glad to hear that. I’m glad that you are doing okay. Are the doctors nice?” One word answers, they wanted us to ask questions with one word answers. He mutters on again for a minute and finally responds with, “Yes.” But he keeps on muttering. I hold my tongue. I want to ask him what it is, but I have a feeling that will frustrate him more. He finally says, “You.” He mumbles on again and then says, “Water.” He stops talking, and he looks at me expectantly. _I feel a chill go up my spine._ He is asking me about what happened. I am not sure though if he wants a response to his feelings, or if he wants to actually know what happened. I go with the easier question, “You want to know how we escaped?” He looks frustrated though and upset, and his heart rate monitor is suddenly through the roof. He starts muttering and then yelling, “You I…um…I…You…..eh um um….ahh…you! Jemma!” And then he is screaming, and there are tears in his eyes. I feel a stab to my heart as I look at him, my best friend. The next thing I know the doctor is moving to sedate him, and the speech therapist is making me leave. I chance one last glance back at Fitz as he yells. _The world is breaking._

I am out in the hallway. _Time is frozen._ That didn’t go well. I know it didn’t. Skye is sitting against the far wall. She waited on me. She seems surprised to see me, probably because my session didn’t last that long. I hear the speech therapist, who followed me out of the room, say something towards me, but it sounds garbled. Skye is starting to stand up, and she is also talking. It all sounds so distant, so disjointed. _The world is screaming._

I am running before I realize it. I am running away from Fitz, from everything. I run, and I run. Before I know it, I am in the hanger. The Bus is in front of me. I go and lower the cargo ramp. I make my way up and onto the Bus and into the lab. There are many things still destroyed in here, but I stand in front of the holotable. I move my hand over its surface, an area me and Fitz used to work at so in sync together. I turn, leaning against it as I lower myself to the ground. I start sobbing. I feel so damaged, like nothing will ever be right again. _So very broken._ I stay here in the lab I know so well. The lab Fitz used to breathe life into. He wanted an answer to his feelings. It was clear. Even in his damaged mind, he wanted an answer. He wanted to know if I felt the same. _I don’t._ I cry until I fall asleep. _Burning out._

 

* * *

I awake to warmth. It doesn’t startle me probably like it should, but it does comfort me. I am leaning against someone. There is an arm wrapped around my shoulder, holding me tight. I slowly shift to sit up better. The arm stays firmly around me. I look up and to my left and am literally face to face with Skye. “Hey,” she says in a husky voice. “Hi,” I reply back, sleep and exhaustion still clouding my mind. I look away, and I rub my hands over my face and mutter, “I must look a mess.” I hear a soft reply, “Never.” The hand on my shoulder moves to comb through my hair. We sit in silence for a minute and finally she says, “The doctor and therapist told me what happened after you ran off. It didn’t take much for me to put the pieces together. Of what Fitz was trying to ask you.” I feel my bottom lip quiver. “What else did they say?” I ask quietly. “Not much,” she responds still combing her fingers through my hair. “Jemma…I know this is a stupid question, but are you okay?” I feel my lip quiver more and gently shake my head and softly mutter, “No…no…” The tears are coming down my face. I can’t stop them. _Broken._

“Oh sweetie,” I hear Skye murmur as she wraps both her arms around me. I turn into her and wrap mine around her waist and hold on for dear life. I sob gently into her shoulder as we sit on the ground here in the lab I once called home, _no more._ Once I have stopped crying, I stay in Skye’s arms. I feel safe. She is gently rubbing my back. I slightly pull out of the embrace, but we stay close to each other. I look up and into her eyes. They speak volumes. There is so much worry, love, and understanding. I think about kissing her. _My heart skips a beat._ I pull further away from her so I don’t give into the temptation. My heart is now hammering in my chest. She lets me move away but still keeps that one arm wrapped around my shoulder. “So...” she starts, “How about we go freshen up and then go grab dinner. It’s a little late, so I doubt anyone will be in there.” I ask, “How late is it anyway?” She responds with, “It’s around ten.” I nod in response, and say, “Yeah let’s do that.” I pause. “The therapist is going to talk to us tomorrow about how today went isn’t he?” She nods. “Okay,” I say. I finally move away from Skye and stand up. I turn back towards her and hold out my hand. She takes it, and I help her up. She gives my hand a squeeze and continues to hold it. I let her. I gaze into her eyes for a second, and the next thing I know, I hug her tightly and quickly and say, “Thank you Skye. Just…thank you.” She returns the hug back just as tightly. She pulls away with a slight smile and says, “Anytime.” _Broken but not beaten._

We go to the bathroom and clean up, and then we decide to go ahead and change for bed. We make it to the kitchen finally around ten thirty. We decide to cook a frozen pizza. By the time we are done cooking and eating it is close to eleven thirty. We make our way to the living room, and we finally go to sleep. _The nightmares come. Drowning._ Skye wakes me around two in the morning. I am in tears. I was dreaming about me and Fitz being trapped. The nightmares have returned with a vengeance ever since Fitz woke up. They are even worse tonight after the days’ events. _Exhaustion._ Skye sits with me and holds my hand until I fall asleep again. I wake up one more time that night. Thankfully I don’t wake up Skye. I calm myself and try to go back to sleep. I don’t.

Morning comes. I am beyond tired. I stay lying on the couch until Skye wakes up. She looks concerned that I am still in bed. I tell her that I was just tired from the nightmares. It’s the truth. She still looks concerned. We go on through the day though. The doctor and therapist meet with us after lunch. They let us know that everyone had a good session with Fitz with the exception of my own. They still have high hopes that Fitz will continue to do well. They hand out the schedule they would like everyone to follow for the next two weeks. My name is not on it. _My chest constrict_ s. I think I may pass out. I thought at least I would get to have another session with him sometime soon. _Do I even want to talk with him again? He wants an answer. He wants to know my feelings towards him._ _Destruction._

I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. Finally we are dismissed. I leave with a mission. I go change, and I make my way to the gym. I pound it out on the treadmill for a while, and then I literally pound on the punching bag. Skye comes by for a few minutes. She stays by the door, checking on me. She doesn’t say a word. She just watches for a while and leaves.

The next two weeks of my life are hellish, horrendous. Everyone continues to go and have sessions with Fitz. They go well. Skye lets me know hers go well. She even told me that Fitz had asked about me a couple of times. I didn’t know what to say to that. The nightmares continue to come though. They are mostly about Fitz, mostly about drowning. Skye usually wakes me up once a night. She unfortunately has had to wake me up twice just a few times. I feel bad. I hate that she has to deal with my nightmares… _again._ I asked her a few times to please go and sleep in her room, that I was fine. After I bugged her enough, she told me once, “Shut up Simmons. I am not going anywhere.” I didn’t ask her to leave again after that. She wasn’t going too. _I was grateful._ Unfortunately, at the end of the two weeks where I wasn’t allowed to see Fitz, I had a particularly bad night. Skye woke me up from another nightmare. She sat with me and held my hand until I fell asleep. She woke me up an hour later from another. Again, she held my hand until sleep came. The third time she woke me up, I was in a cold sweat. This time though, she sat down next to me on the couch and pulled me into a hug. She held me tight. I dozed off, and I slept without nightmares. _Resting._

The next morning I woke up to soft snores right next to my ear. Skye has her arms draped around me, and my head is against her left shoulder, my arm around her waist. We were both sitting up and leaning into the back cushions of the couch. We must have fallen asleep this way. I feel so comfortable, and for a fraction of second, I feel so happy. I let the feeling wash over me. Skye makes me feel so loved. _I feel a blush on my checks. I feel my heart rate increasing._ I continue to lean against her, not wanting to move. I’m savoring the moment, not wanting it to end. It does finally when Skye starts to wake up on her own. _Reality._ I move to shift away from her as she stretches a bit, but the arm that is around my back ends up pulling me closer. _Warmth._ A sleepy mumble comes from her mouth, “You alright? How are you feeling?” I end up snuggling closer, into her shoulder, her collar bone. I can hear her heart beating. The arm I have around her waist hugging her tighter, pulling her closer. “Better,” I breathe out. I feel her shiver against me, her heart rate increasing slightly. _Interesting._ She sighs and says, “Good.” I don’t want the moment to end. I don’t feel like I am drowning. I don’t feel like I am suffocating. I feel a little less broken sitting next to Skye, her arms wrapped around me tight. _Picking up the pieces._

I must have dozed off again for a while, because the next thing I know, Skye is shifting away from me. I can hear her talking to someone. Their voices are still a little muddled as I try to shake off sleep. Finally the world comes back. I am leaning back against the couch. Skye is still next to me, but she is no longer holding me. Her left hand is resting on my right knee though. I blink and sit up. This seems to startle Skye and also Coulson, who she is talking with. “Agent Simmons. Glad you are awake.” Skye gives me a small smile as Coulson moves to sit down on the other couch. I rub my eyes a little and say, “Director Coulson. It’s good to see you sir.” He presses on, “So…I was just talking with Skye here about Fitz. The therapist wants to meet with all of us, including you Simmons, this afternoon. They want to let everyone know how they think Fitz has been doing over the past two weeks. I think they may let you have another session with him if they think he has been doing well.” I stay quiet. I feel Skye rub my knee a little. I’m not sure what to say. I want to see him I do, but the idea of seeing him again. It breaks my heart thinking about it. It probably won’t go well again. “Simmons?” Coulson says, startling me out of my thoughts. “Sir?” I reply. He pauses a moment then says, “This is the other thing I am concerned about. I am worried about you. I know these last several weeks have been particularly hard on you. I was thinking that if you need some time off to recuperate, you could do that. Take some time. Get out of here for a while. Maybe go visit your parents.” I gape at him for a few seconds, “Sir you can’t be serious?” Skye looks like she wants to say something as well. “I’m not being malicious Simmons,” he says, “I just want to make sure you are okay. I don’t want everything that has happened to affect your work or the team. We are trying to rebuild S.H.I.E.L.D. here, and I need everyone at their best. Sometimes that means taking a break.” He stands up and nods, “Just think about it Simmons. In the meantime, the meeting with the therapist is after lunch around one thirty. I’ll see you two there.” He leaves. I deflate.

Skye turns to look at me. “What?” I ask. She wants to say something. She pauses. I’ll never know what. _Shifting._ “Nothing,” she says instead. “Let’s get going.” She gives my knee a squeeze and stands. I follow. “Skye,” I say. She turns back, looking at me expectantly. “I just…I um…thanks. Thank you, for everything.” She gives me a slightly strained, disappointed smile. _Did she want me to say something else?_ While turning away, she replies quietly, “Yeah…sure…” She walks out of the room. I feel a crushing weight on my chest as she leaves. That tension that we had been slowly getting rid of over the last few weeks is back in full force. I sigh. Maybe Coulson is right. Maybe I do need a break away from here. From the heartache I have with Fitz. A break from these feelings I have towards Skye. A different place to deal with these nightmares might be exactly what I need. I tackle the day, until it is time for the meeting. _Everything shifts again._

_Shifting, turning tension…building heartache._

_It consumes me…destroys me._

_Leaving nothing but broken pieces, needing to rebuild._

_Trying to find myself in the sea of rubble._


	13. Amidst the Rubble

We are all sitting in the conference room, and we are gathered around the table. The speech therapist is at the head. Skye for once is not next to me. She won’t even meet my gaze when I try to catch her eye. _Constricting chest, tension building._ It doesn’t get any better when the therapist starts to talk. Even when he is telling us how good Fitz is doing, all I can think is that I can’t help him. I make him worse. I have only seen him twice over the past three weeks he has been awake, and each time, he has done poorly. I’m scared that visiting him will set him back. I want him to keep doing well, and I am glad that he is doing well. It just makes me sad that I am unable to help him. The therapist lets us know that he is able to form short sentences now. He still needs time of course. He says that his best sessions are with Trip and Skye. He wants them to meet with him more often. That works out well for Coulson and May, especially Coulson, since they are usually not around as much. Finally the therapist gaze lands on me. I feel that tension in my chest building again. _I hold my breath._

“Agent Simmons. We need to discuss the possibility of you visiting Fitz again. He has asked about you a good bit, and I know you two are fairly close. My concern though is that the one scheduled visit where you did see him, it set him back a little in his recuperation.” I feel a little anger building, my chest tight, and my breathing shallow. I knew this was probably going to be the case. He continues talking, “I would like for you to see him again, mainly because he has been insistent that you visit. I have to advise that if this meeting goes poorly, I will not want you visiting him again until he is further along in his recuperation.”

I have to ask. I need to know. “And if this meeting goes poorly, how long will his recuperation take. How long before I would be able to visit him again?” _Tense. The world stops. I hold my breath._ The therapist responds, “We would probably be looking at a couple of months. His recuperation is going to be an ongoing process, but to get him to a place where he can communicate and work with you guys again, we are looking at months, possibly longer. I can’t risk him having more setbacks. That makes his recover that much longer. You understand me Agent Simmons?”

 I feel all eyes shift to me. I feel like I am visibly shaking. I reply with a tense, “Of course.” That is all I am able to say. _Falling to pieces._ He continues, “The decision is ultimately up to you. If and when you would like to visit him, please stop by my office and let me know.” He addresses everyone again, “These are the new schedules that I would like all of you to try and follow. I know you are all very busy agents, but having close friends to visit with Fitz is important for his recovery. Please don’t hesitate to talk with me if you have any questions.” That one phrase rings in my ears… _having close friends to visit with Fitz is important for his recovery._ I am a close friend, his best friend. I can’t even see him. They really don’t want me to. _She is making him worse._ I leave the conference room without saying goodbye. I can barely think straight.

I make it back to my room, and I change and go to the gym. The lab can wait for a bit. I need to relieve all this tension that has been building. All these pent up emotions. I start on the punching bag. I rain my fury down upon it. It helps some, but not like it normally does. Everything has fallen apart. Everything is falling to pieces, and I am standing amidst the rubble trying to figure out a way to fix this, a way to rebuild this. I flash back to that day on the Bus when I was fighting for my life, trying to figure out a cure for the Chitauri virus. He is looking at me through the glass and says, “You have to fix this.” I respond with, “I don’t know how Fitz.” What is happening now, it feels like that moment again. I have no idea how to fix this, no idea for a cure. There is no way to rebuild this ash and rubble I am standing amongst. No hope… _no hope._ The only difference is that the day we were on the Bus, we did figure it out. There was still hope, still a cure, and we found it. This destruction around me right now feels absolute. I don’t know how to fix this. _Broken pieces._

I continue my onslaught against the punching bag. And then there is Skye. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster when I am around her. _The tension, the hope, the love._ She makes me feel happy. She makes me feel safe. _I like her._ There is something there, and I don’t know what to do about it. Do I tell her? Do I tell her I like her? I feel like this will complicate things more. Staying in the friend zone seems safe, and there are no guarantees she feels the same. I don’t want to bring up something that may cause more issues for the team. I flash back to a few weeks ago, to something she said. _I need you to be okay. Because that’s the only way I am going to be okay._ I feel my heart flutter thinking about that. I slow my punches, and then I stop entirely, breathing fast. I close my eyes and swallow hard. _What am I going to do?_ I feel like someone is watching me. I turn and look quickly towards the gym door. Skye is standing there, but as soon as I look her way, she is leaving. I feel my eyes prick with some tears.

_Standing amidst the rubble. I feel like the world is burning. The world is screaming. The world is on fire, and I am just standing still. Watching the ash and fire. Watching the world pass by._

I make a decision in that moment. I need to go visit Fitz. If it goes badly, I will take Coulson’s advice. I will take a break. I will leave. I head out of the gym and continue on with my day. I also won’t tell Skye how I feel. There are some things that maybe should stay at the bottom of the ocean, buried beneath the surface, never letting them breathe life. I will leave my feelings for Skye there, for now at least. _Buried._

I go talk to Coulson, and I let him know my plans. I want to give Fitz another week, and then I want to go visit him. I told Coulson that if it goes badly, I will take his advice, and I will take a break. He seems okay with that. He looks like he wants to tell me something else, but he leaves it. I go find the therapist next, and I tell him I would like to visit Fitz at the end of the week. He says that would be fine. He says that will also give Fitz time to adjust to the idea of me coming to see him. _She is making him worse._ I go to the lab for the rest of the day, and I work late into the night. I finish up around one in the morning. I pass by the living room. Skye is on the couch, and the television is on. I quietly walk by. I can’t deal with being in the same room as her right now. _So much tension. Buried feelings._ I make my way to my room. The entire time I have been here at the Playground, I have never once slept in here. I want that to change. I sit on my bed, and I calm my breathing. I feel okay. I let go of everything. I eventually lay back on my bed. I feel a slight suffocating feeling, but before it can really grasp ahold, I am asleep.

Nightmares plague me again, and they wake me up around five. I have a panic attack the second I am awake and realize where I am. I try to calm my breathing. It’s not working. I rush out of the room, and I calm my breathing in the hallway, leaning against the wall. This is how Skye finds me. She is coming back from the bathroom and heading towards the living room. She has a strange look on her face. It makes me feel guilty. She stops in front of me and stares. Then she looks back in my room, and I know she can see my rumpled up bed. She turns back towards me and holds my gaze. Her eyes are a mixture of hurt and disbelief. I think I see some tears starting to form. She shakes her head, turns and starts walking away.

I can’t stop myself, “Skye wait.” She stops, “What Simmons? What is it you want from me?” She turns back towards me. She looks so beaten, so tired, and so angry at the same time. A few tears fall down her face. She says, “What is it you could possibly want from me? I have been trying to help you for weeks. Trying to help you deal with these emotions you have for Fitz. Trying to help the best I can with your nightmares, with everything. And then you just go and sleep in your room like it’s no big deal. You don’t even tell me you are going to try. You just go and do it. I have been worried sick about you for weeks, because you don’t deserve to be going through this. I was just hoping….I just wanted….” She starts crying harder. I move towards her and gently grab her arms to pull her into a hug. She resists as she continues to cry. She mumbles, “Don’t…just don’t.” I pull her into a hug anyway. It takes a few seconds, but she hugs me back, tightly. We stand like this for a few minutes, until her crying slows. _My heart is hurting._

She slowly pulls away and looks at me. It’s like that look she gave me on the couch the other day. She wants to say something, but she won’t. She won’t because of everything that has been going on. I feel my heart fluttering, butterflies in my stomach. _She looks so beautiful. I bury the feeling._ I bury it until she brings it screaming back to the surface. She won’t say anything, so instead she shows me. I barely have time to register that her lips are on my cheek. They are soft and warm. My face is on fire. My heart is hammering. Chest tightening, stomach clenching. She pulls back and has a surprised look on her face. She stammers, “I am um…so sorry. I um…I should um…I need to go.” She pulls away from me, and she is gone. I stand there unsure of what to do. Unsure of what just happened. My hand touches the spot on my cheek where her lips grazed it. I feel myself blushing harder just thinking about it. _Connecting the dots._

If I wasn’t so dense, I probably would have figured it out long ago. Skye has feelings for me. _Or maybe I wouldn’t have figured it out._ Matters of the heart make us do stupid things. They make us not think straight. That sensual kiss on my cheek though, that was pretty obvious.

I start off my day the best I can. I don’t see Skye at all that day, or the next few. I don’t go actively looking for her. She wants to be alone, and I can’t bring myself to find her to talk about what happened. I sleep in my room over the following days. I still wake up from nightmares, and I have to leave for a while. Somehow I manage to keep pushing through and forcing myself to stay in there. My Tai-Chi lessons helping lots. I continue with my normal routine. I don’t meet with May as regularly in the mornings for Tai-Chi since Coulson has her out on missions more often than not. I also work out on my own now. I continued my lessons with May and Skye for about a week after we started, until they went back to their normal routines as well. _This week starts to push on slowly but with certainty._ I am still planning on meeting Fitz at the end of the week.

I find out from May one morning during a Tai-Chi session, after Skye has ignored me for a few days, that Skye and herself are going out on an active mission for many days. I am a little shocked to hear this. Sure Skye had gone out on missions before, but they were back within the day. This was going to be a longer one _,_ a dangerous one. _I need to see her._

I go and find her before she leaves. I corner her in her bedroom. She is packing her bag. I walk in and close the door. She looks startled to see me, but she doesn’t ask me to leave. We haven’t talked in days. “Were you not going to tell me?” I ask a little aggravated. “What was there to tell Simmons?” she asks back a little hotly, “I’m going out on a longer mission than normal. So what?” I let out a puff of air, “So what Skye? That’s it? You are going out on a dangerous mission. I had May give me a quick briefing. Extraction is going to be difficult getting you guys out of that building once you are in. The place is going to be crawling with Hydra agents. I’m just worried is all.” She barks out a laugh, “Yeah well. If you think we can’t handle it, you are wrong. We got this. We will be back in a few days, so don’t worry.”

I hold back my anger, and I rein it in. I want to tell her I have feelings for her as well, especially before she leaves. I want her to know. I feel like it isn’t fair though if I say something now. I will talk to her when she gets back, “Fine. I’ll try not to worry. Just do your best not to get killed.” She lets out a more genuine laugh this time, “Of course Dr. Simmons.” I stand there for a second unsure of my next action. I finally decide. I’ll show her, just like she showed me. I walk closer to Skye, and she stops her packing to face me better. “I mean it Skye, please be careful. And don’t get yourself killed.” Her look softens a little, “I’ll be fine Jemma.” I gently reach up with my left hand and graze her right cheek. I respond back, “I know you will be. I’ll see you in a few days.” With that being said, I lean up and forwards and let my lips briefly touch her left cheek. The skin under my lips is smooth and soft. I linger for a second, and then I pull back. In that moment, she looks shocked, and I feel certain. I hold her gaze briefly. _Beautiful._ I slowly turn and walk out of the room, closing the door on the way. I hope my message was clear enough. I walk on towards the lab. She will be back in a few days, we will talk then, and I will be visiting Fitz about the same time. _Hoping for the best._

_Standing amidst the rubble._

_The future is uncertain._

_The world keeps on breaking._

_The rubble shifts and breaths life…_


	14. Picking Up the Pieces

The rest of the week is torture. Knowing Skye isn’t at the base is driving me crazy, and my meeting with Fitz is coming up. It is in three days. Skye and May are coming back in two. I try to keep myself preoccupied. I continue my Tai-Chi and workout sessions. I stay busy in the lab with the samples that are there. Coulson drops by to check on me a few times. He has done this periodically over the last several weeks. These last few days though, he has been by a lot. I appreciate it more than words could say. He does ask me again a few times if I plan to leave. I told him it was still up in the air. It’s almost like he wants me to agree. It’s almost like he wants me to go. I don’t know what to make of that, so I push it aside. _I ignore it._

Two days go by. I am waiting anxiously for May and Skye and the rest of their team to return. _They don’t._ I go to Director Coulson and ask. He tells me right now it is classified, but essentially the extraction didn’t go as planned. _My heart tightens and constricts._

The next 24 hours is pure chaos, pure hell. Coulson has agents running around, trying to get a lock down on the team, trying to figure out an extraction plan. Coulson comes to find me when they are out, and they are on their way back to the base. I have never felt more relieved. My meeting with Fitz is coming up shortly, and I want to see May and Skye, especially Skye, before I go and see him. Even though I know they are en route to the Playground, I am on edge. It feels like the time I waited for them to return from their attack against Garrett. When Agent Koenig told me they were back. I didn’t know who would be walking off the Bus. I know this time though that Skye and May are safe and coming home. It doesn’t make the waiting any easier, especially after such a dangerous mission.

Coulson had let me know more about what the mission was after they left. He said they were infiltrating a top Hydra base to extract some information on S.H.I.E.L.D. agents that may have been forced to work for Hydra. He said they were trying to get as much intel on the project as possible. He needed to know how Hydra was converting good S.H.I.E.L.D. agents into mindless Hydra drones. It really was scary when you thought about it. It was terrifying what lengths Hydra would go to. Just to take control, to have power.

Hours pass, and I have to meet with Fitz in less than thirty minutes. That’s when they get back. They are taken to medical, and that’s where I meet them. May is already done being assessed by the time I get there. She has scratches and bruises, but overall she looks okay. I go and talk to her for a moment. I give her arm a pat, and I tell her that I am glad they made it back in one piece. She gives me a small smile.

I go over to Skye who is sitting on one of the tables being assessed. My eyes rake over her body, looking for injuries. Her eyes shift towards me as the doctor is cleaning her face. She has a nice gash across her left cheek and that side of her face is bruised. “Hey Simmons, long time no see,” she says jokingly. I give her a soft smile, “Yeah you were supposed to be back yesterday.” She laughs a little and ends up moving, the doctor tells her to be still. “Yeah well…even the best plans can go to hell in a heartbeat. We got what we were after and everyone made it out. We couldn’t ask more from a mission, even if it took longer getting back to HQ than expected.” I give her a nod, “You are quite right. Is your face the only place injured or…” I gesture towards the rest of her body. The doctor is putting butterfly bandages over her cheek. She starts, “Well. I think I may have bruised a few ribs, but otherwise I am fine. One of those Hydra jerks got inside my guard, laid down some solid punches. He even got me with a knife to the cheek, but I sure iced his ass. He never saw it coming.” She looks amused. “Really…you think it’s funny?” I ask. She replies, “You should totally have seen his face Simmons. It was hilarious.” I give her a confused look and say, “I’ll just have to take your word for it.” 

The doctor finishes up with Skye and tells her to rest up the next day or two. I glance at my watch as Skye hops off the table. I need to be leaving. I feel a blush coming to my cheeks as Skye inches closer to me. She has a certain confidence radiating off of her that I have never seen before. My confidence from the day she left is completely gone. “So…” she says smirking at me.  I feel my cheeks getting redder, my face feels hot. “Yes so…I um…unfortunately since you got back a day late, I have my meeting with Fitz in five minutes. I really need to get going to that, but I want to talk, with you. Soon. Very soon. Yes. I um…okay I am glad you are back.” I am rambling. Her smirk just keeps getting bigger. “Yes I am glad you are back. I would have expected nothing less. Any who, you go rest up…yes? I will come find you in a little while.”

I turn on my heel to leave, but she has grabbed my arm. She pulls on it, and I spin back around to face her. “You’re cute when you ramble.” I stutter, “Am I now? Well okay yes. That’s a good thing I think.” She starts laughing, “It is. It’s a good thing.” She has inched even closer and is completely in my bubble now, and before I know it, she is hugging me gently. I return it. “Go see Fitz,” she says into my ear, “And come find me when you are done. I want to talk with you too Jemma.” I shiver at the way she says my name. She pulls away. She looks me over once and kisses my cheek. That smirk I think is now permanently etched on her face. I think the color red is permanently on mine. “Go Simmons! You’re going to be late. I know how much you hate being late.” I come out of my haze, “Yes. Quite right you are. Okay I will see you later.” I turn and head out. My heart is hammering. My face I am sure is a shade of red it has never been, but I smile as I walk towards Fitz room. _Before she left on her mission, I think Skye got my message loud and clear. I like her._

It only takes a minute, and I am standing in front of Fitz room. The speech therapist is waiting outside for me. “Ready?” he asks. “As much as I can be,” I reply. He opens the door and ushers me in. Fitz is not in his bed, but he is sitting in a chair next to it. He appears to be reading a book. He looks up as I enter. “Jemma, hi,” he says while he stands. “Fitz, it’s good to see you.” It really is good to see him. He walks towards me, and before I know it, he is awkwardly hugging me. I return it. He pulls away and moves back towards the chair. He is rubbing his hands together. He stutters for a minute, and he finally says, “Sit.” He points to the chair next to himself, and I take it. He sits down in his own. He is tapping his foot now and rubbing his hands. He looks so nervous. I can feel the therapist next to the door, watching our interaction. I want this to go well, but I have a horrible feeling this is going to blow up in my face. _Amidst the ash and rubble. I have nothing to lose._

I start off, “So I have heard from everyone that you are doing well. I just want to say that makes me very happy Leo…that you are doing well.” He looks at me, and he is twitching a little. He starts to mutter and finally says, “Yes doing well.” The look shifts to something else. He pauses and stutters for a moment and ask, “You? Doing well?” I answer back slowly, “As well as can be expected I guess.” I pause, “Fitz…I just want you to know how much I have missed you these last few months. It makes me happy you are doing so well.” I refrain from saying _I just wish I could help you more._

He studies me for a moment, contemplating what to say. Finally he has a determined look on his. It reminds me of when he asked about us being trapped. He says, “Question.” He stumbles on his words for a moment and concentrates, and he finally says, “You and me? Bottom of ocean. I told…I um…I told you something….it was um…it was important.” He pauses for a second, he has a moment of clearness, “Do you…um…do you feel the same…J…Je…Jemma….” My name is stuttered out of his mouth. His hands are wringing something fierce now, foot tapping quickly. The meaning this time compared to the last meeting is very clear. _My stomach clenches. I don’t feel the same. I have to break his heart. I am in love with Skye._ Wait? I am in love with Skye? _I know I like her._ I push these thoughts aside. Now is not the time to contemplate my relationship with Skye. I focus my full attention on Fitz. _I don’t feel the same._

I start off slowly, “So when we were trapped. You um…you mentioned that you had to show me how you feel, that you never had the courage to tell me. Does that mean you are in love with me Leo?” He looks embarrassed for a moment, he stutters for just a few seconds and answers with a finality, “Yes.” I look away from him for a moment. I can feel the tears in my eyes. I can’t stop myself and grab ahold of his hand. It continues to shake. I start talking, “Leo…I can’t even begin to describe what you mean to me. You are my best friend. You always have been, and you always will be, no matter what. I just…I….gosh…um…I don’t feel the same way towards you as you do about me. I do love you…I do. Just not in the way you want me too.”

He slowly pulls his hand from mine. _My heart clenches painfully in my chest._ His shaking is even worse now, the toe tapping louder than ever. He is mumbling and stuttering. I can see the therapist moving towards us out of the corner of my eye. He is going to make me leave. I won’t get to see Fitz again for a very long time. _Amongst the rubble and ash. You knew this couldn’t be fixed. You knew this would get worse._

Finally Fitz finds his voice and says clearly, “Please…just go!” I am shocked for a moment. He is looking all around the room, muttering. His eyes won’t even find mine. The therapist is next to me and pulling on my arm to stand. I reluctantly do so. “Fitz…” I start. “I said GO!!!” he yells. My heart is hurting. My best friend is falling apart. He is so very broken, and I won’t be the one to help pick up the pieces. I feel the tears fall from my face. I am being pulled towards the door by the therapist, but I stop suddenly. I turn to look back at Fitz. I have to say one last thing before I walk out of his life for a long time. “Fitz…these last few months have been Hell. I have missed my best friend something terribly. I hate that this happened. That Ward did this to you, to us. Regardless of your feeling towards me or mine towards you, you will always be my best friend. Please don’t forget that. You saved my life Fitz. On the bottom of the ocean, you saved me. I wish I could help you over the next few months, but the doctors are great and you have the others. Please work hard. I know you will. I won’t be seeing you for a while, I plan to leave.” I turn back towards the door. I say with finality, “You saved my life Fitz, so thank you. I can never thank you enough.” I walk out of the room and out of this chapter of his life. _Closing a door._

The therapist stops with me outside of the room. He says what I am thinking. Due to Fitz’s feelings towards me, any interaction I have with him only makes him worse. I know now I can’t stay here. Not while Fitz needs to recuperate. I need to leave, for a while at least. He saved my life, the least I can do is help anyway I can to fix his. I thank the therapist for everything he has been doing. He says he will keep me updated on Fitz status. I tell him I appreciate it. I head towards Coulson’s office with a purpose. This needs to be done. It needs to be done before I talk to Skye. Otherwise I will lose my resolve. Before I know it, I am in front of Coulson’s door. I knock, and he tells me to enter. I do. _And accept my fate._

I tell Coulson that the meeting with Fitz was less than ideal. He nods. He too knew this would happen. I tell him that I want to leave. He knew I would make this decision. He stands and walks around his desk and looks me dead in the eye. He starts talking, “I need you to leave Simmons, but it’s for an operation. I do want you to go visit your parents. At least for a few days, but I do have a mission. It is something only you can do. It is of utmost importance that it remains top secret. Therefore, I can’t tell you what it is unless you accept it.”

I gawk for a moment and find my voice, “Is that the reason you have been so pushy for me to leave. You want me to go on some top secret mission for you? Not to visit my parents? Not to take some time off?” He regards me for a moment, “Well I do want you to go see your parents, and have a few days off, just not as long as you probably intended. This is important Simmons, I wouldn’t ask it of you otherwise.” I contemplate for a moment and finally say, “One question.” Coulson looks intrigued. “How long is this mission supposed to last?” He regards me and answers, “Many months. I don’t know when you would be coming back to HQ.” I take this in. That would give Fitz the time he needs to recover. I owe him that much, leaving the base so I don’t interfere with his recovery. Skye is going to be pissed at me. She is going to be mad that I am leaving. I still have to leave. _My fate is set._

I meet Coulson’s gaze. “Okay,” I say, “I accept.” He looks me over for a moment, “Okay then. The next few things I am about to tell you can only be discussed with myself or May. That means you cannot tell Skye, understand? This has to remain confidential. The only thing the others need to know is that you are leaving to go visit your parents and recuperate for a few months.” I nod along and say, “They are going to be mad. They are going to think I am deserting.” Coulson takes a look of pity, “They might. They probably will. I wouldn’t ask you to do this if it wasn’t important.” He pauses a second, “Jemma I am asking you to infiltrate Hydra through their science division…undercover.” I blank, “I um…what?! Are you being serious?” He looks back, “Oh yes. This is important. The intel May was able to retrieve the other day, it just confirms I need someone on the inside. I need to know what they are doing. How they might be controlling agents, and if they are working on weapons of mass destruction. You are perfect for this mission. The only concern I have is they will know you are a former S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. You will have to convince them you are no longer working with S.H.I.E.L.D. ever since the fall. You will tell them you are dedicated to science, and that they had the resources needed for your research. It will be a partial truth Simmons. I know you can do this mission. I wouldn’t ask it of you otherwise.”

 I nod and finally say, “Okay yes. Okay I understand. I am going to infiltrate Hydra.” Coulson gives a tight smile, “You are.” I continue to nod, “Okay…um okay. When do you plan for me to leave?” He seems to contemplate his answer for a moment, “Three days. That will give you enough time to pack what you need and say goodbye. May will also give you a crash course in firearms during this time. That will have to be on the sly though. You can find a practice range near you once we get you established at a safe house. I will go ahead and start making arrangements. I will get some tickets to fly you to England to visit your parents for about two days. Then we will fly you back to New York. You will more than likely have a safe house that is a downtown apartment. It will be close to the Hydra base. I will brief you more right before you leave. I will also meet you at the apartment once you get back to go over some small details.” He gives me an appraising look. He goes on, “This is going to help so much Simmons. Thank you. Just remember not a word to anyone else. You are going to visit your parents for a few months, and that is all anyone needs to know. I can’t risk this mission being compromised.” I reply, “Of course sir.” I turn to leave his office.  _Fate set in stone. My mission is clear._

I go to find Skye. I need to see her. I want to tell her what Coulson just told me, but I can’t. I am leaving. _I am leaving._ Skye is going to be pissed. It is all I can think. I hope she understands. The fact that things didn’t go well with Fitz help this story to take shape. I will go see me parents. It’s not a complete lie, because I will go see them. It’s just not the complete truth. I find Skye in her room. I knock on the door, and I hear, “Come in.” She is sitting on her bed, messing around on her laptop. She turns to look at me as I walk in and close the door. Her face just seems to light up as I enter the room. I feel warmth spreading in my chest. I give her a smile. She smiles back. She closes her laptop and asks, “So…how did your visit with Fitz go?” I feel the smile fall from my face. I walk towards her bed and sit down. “That bad?” she asks. I give a short laugh, “Let’s just say it went the way I expected it to.” She takes that in for a moment. “You expected it to go bad?”

 I study her face a moment, “I told him the truth Skye, because that is what he wanted. It’s what he deserved to know. He wanted to know if I had feelings for him. I had to tell him that I didn’t.” I shake my head for a second. “He was heartbroken of course. He wanted me to leave, so I left. The therapist confirmed what I already knew. I won’t be able to see him again for a few months.” I bite the bullet, “So I plan to leave for a few months.” Panic floods Skye’s face. “What?” she asks, “You can’t seriously be leaving for a few months Jemma. You just…you can’t okay?” I respond quietly, “I can’t stay here Skye. Fitz needs to recover. He can’t do that with me around. He needs more time, so I plan to give it to him. I am going to go see my parents for a few months. I think some time off will help, and then I will come back.” I say it with as much confidence as I can.

She looks dejected. I want to make that look go away, but I don’t know how. She finally asks quietly, “What about me? What about me Jemma? You are leaving me too. I just…you can’t leave. Not when I am finally figuring things out. Not when….” She trails off. I move towards her, and I cover her hand with my own. “Skye,” I start softly, “I am not leaving you. I promise. I just need some time to figure things out. I want to give time for Fitz to recover, but I promise I am not leaving you. I would never do that.” She looks at me with tear filled eyes, “But you are. You are leaving, and that means you are leaving me as well.” She pulls her hand from mine. “Skye,” I start. “No,” she says, “You want to leave so just leave. Just go! I thought there was something there between us Simmons. I guess I was wrong.”

The hurt in her voice makes my heart clench and my stomach turn violently. I want to honor her wishes and leave, but I can’t. Not like this. Before I know what I am doing I am gently grabbing ahold of Skye’s face and closing the distance. My lips find hers easily enough, so soft. It feels like home. I move my lips against hers, and I finally feel a response. She is slowly returning the kiss. If I was standing, my knees would be buckling about now. Warmth is spreading through my body. I feel so alive. The moment ends slowly, softly. I pull away, my hands still holding her awestruck face. I gaze at the cut on her left cheek. It doesn’t look as bad as I originally thought. I gently run my thumb over it, she winces slightly, but she makes no move to pull away. I finally find my voice, “I like you Skye, and I think…no…I know. I know that I am starting to fall in love with you. So no, I am not leaving you. I just need to get away for a while, and then I will come back. I will come back to you. I promise.”

 She looks confused for a moment, and I think I may have been a little too forward. But I am proven wrong as she gently reaches for me and pulls me closer and into another slow kiss. Our tongues meet for a moment, and I am on fire. This is not a feeling I am used to. It is something I feel I have waited for my whole life. It is beautiful _. Skye is so beautiful._ The kiss last but a moment, but it feels like a lifetime. I savor the feeling as she pulls away from me. She gently breaths out, “Okay.” She gives me a grin. I return it. _The pieces are being mended. Rubble turning…breathing life. Rebuilding._

I give a grin back, “So…” She gives a laugh. I move my hands from her face, and I grab her hands and gently squeeze them. She looks my face over for a moment. She finally says, “You know. I think I might be falling in love with you too Jemma.” Her right hand reaching up and moves the hair out of my eyes. She gently presses her palm to my cheek. I lean into it. “Yeah?” I ask. “Yeah,” she replies grinning. I am enjoying this moment. It is wonderful, beautiful. Before I know it, she is pulling me into a heated kiss. I relish the feeling, the moment. It will be gone before I know it. Her tongue pushes gently into my mouth and finds my own. I push back against hers, battling. She starts pushing a little harder, and before I know it she is pushing me back against the mattress. I let her. One hand is still against my face, the other gently on my waist. My hands are roaming up her back and gently through her hair. _Time loses meaning._

We continue our heated make out session for a while. It feels like it could go further, but Skye pulls away before it does. I am still lying against the mattress. She grins down at me and runs her fingers through my hair. She whispers, “You are so beautiful Jemma.” I blush. I can’t help it. She has that effect on me. I respond back, “I can say the same about you Skye.” I finally get to see a blush grace her cheeks. It is adorable. She leans away from me, and I finally sit up. She grabs a hold of my hands though, and she holds on tight. _Never wanting to let go._

“So,” she starts, “How about we enjoy the time we have together?” I nod and say, “I couldn’t agree more.” She has a contemplative look on her face and finally says, “How about a movie night? In here? I know we have been occupying the living room a good bit, but you seem to be doing so well staying in here Jemma. We can just…you know...watch a movie on my laptop.” I give her a grin, “It sounds like a date.” She grins back and says, “Yeah it kind of does.” She starts messing on her laptop and finally asks, “What would you like to watch? I can stream about anything. I mean, I’m not a hacker for nothing.” She throws a wink my way, and I laugh. I think for a moment, “How about Harry Potter?” She gives me an incredulous look and says, “Seriously, the British chick wants to watch a British movie…” She mumbles on and says, “Go figure…” I find myself laughing. “Come on Skye. I can’t help that I am English. I like watching English actors.” She just gives me a sweet look, and she finally relents. “Okay fine…which one would you like to watch? There are like a hundred of them to pick from.” I laugh gently and say, “There are eight for the record. How about the Half Blood Prince?” She looks at me funny for a second and says, “Well okay then…” I pause for a moment and ask, “You have seen these movies right Skye?” She stays quiet. “Skye?” I prompt. She lets out a huff, “I haven’t seen them okay. I just know about them.” I giggle a little. “Well if we are going to watch them,” I say, “We should start at the beginning.” She seems to relax a little at this and says, “That sounds like a great idea.”

She fixes things on her laptop, and finally, she moves her back towards the headboard of the bed. She gets comfortable, setting the laptop on her lap. She pats the space next to her, and I inch up and next to her. I give a slight grin and feel a blush on my cheek as I plop down next to her. Her left arm is wrapping around my back automatically. I blush even more. She starts up the first Harry Potter movie, and I lean my head against her shoulder. We watch. I am so relaxed that I end up dozing off.

She wakes me when the movie is over. She has a smirk on her face, her arm still wrapped around me. I apologize for a falling asleep. She continues to smirk and says, “It’s okay. I will forgive you for falling asleep during this movie, but I get to pick the next one and you have to stay awake.” I gently laugh and say, “Sure Skye, whatever you say. What time is it anyway?” She checks the time on her laptop and says it’s around 7:30pm. “Maybe we should go get some dinner first,” I suggest. “If we have time tonight we can watch whatever movie you want. If not tonight, there is always tomorrow,” I say to her sweetly. She moves her arm from around my shoulder and goes to stand up. “Well I guess that will work,” she gives me a small smile back that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. It dawns on me that I was stupid for saying that. I am leaving in a few days, and that tomorrow I just promised will be gone soon enough.

She turns to walk towards the door. I hop off the bed quickly and follow after her. Just as she reaches the door, I wrap my arms around her waist from behind. I want to say I’m sorry, but words don’t seem like enough. Instead I gently kiss her neck. My lips linger for a moment. Her breathing hitches. I continue to plant a few more kisses, and I finally pull away and turn her around to face me. I reach my hands up and run my fingers through her hair and grabbing the back of her neck I pull her into a simple kiss. She returns it. We finally pull apart and she says, “Simmons—“ But I cut her off, “Let’s go get dinner yes? And then we can watch your movie.” She is contemplating what to say and finally goes with, “Okay.” We go eat dinner.

 

* * *

 

It is late when I make it back to her room. It’s after midnight. Coulson and May grabbed me right after dinner. They wanted to discuss my travel plans since I was leaving soon. They were trying to make arrangements to keep me safe. May also wants me to meet with her tomorrow around 2pm to go over firearms. She told me she would have Skye training with Trip some in the gym, so the shooting range would be free. So here I am standing in front of Skye’s door, unsure if I should knock or just go in. I knock. I wait a few seconds and the door finally opens to a darkened room. Skye is in her pajamas, hair tousled. She looks like she has been crying some as well. I hesitate a moment and finally say, “Sorry Skye, if I woke you up. I just wanted to apologize for not getting to watch our movie, and I also just wanted to say goodnight.” I am wringing my hands unconsciously. Skye has a sad look on her face. I keep talking, “Yeah so…I’ll just let you get back to bed. I um…I will see you in the morning I guess. Goodnight Skye.”

 I turn to leave until she grabs my arm. I look back at her. “Stay,” she says. Her voice breaks a little, “Please…” I finally find my voice and say quietly, “Okay.” I walk in her room after her and close the door. She goes and lies down, and I follow after her, slipping under the covers. I watch her for a moment. She is lying on her back staring at the ceiling, a few tears rolling down her cheeks. I move towards her, my head next to hers, my arm wrapping around her waist. I stare at her face a second and finally bury my head into her neck. I breathe in her scent, her hair tickling my nose. I hug her close to me. I just want her to be okay. I finally feel her body turn towards me slightly. She grabs ahold of my arm around her waist. After a while, I finally feel her breathing even out, and with that thought, I gently fall asleep myself. _Nightmares forgotten._

I awake the next morning to soft snores coming from in front of me. During the night Skye had rolled onto her side away from me, and I had curled up behind her, arm wrapped around her waist. I lay there for a few minutes, enjoying the feeling of my body pressed close to hers. I lean forward and gently kiss the nape of her neck, inhaling her scent. I wish this moment could last forever. _Time standing still._ I start to feel Skye stirring in front of me. I feel her stretch a little and hear her yawn. She rolls onto her back and looks at me sleepily. I keep my arm steadfastly around her waist. 

“Hey beautiful,” I end up saying without really thinking. Her cheeks turn a little pink. “Hey,” she responds. “How did you sleep?” I ask. She answers, “Pretty good actually. Considering I was sad before I went to sleep.” I prop myself up on my elbow to look at her better. I ask, “Are you still sad this morning?” She answers slowly, “A little. I mean you are leaving in a few days. How can I not be sad about it?” I nod, “Well I am still here for now, and yes I am leaving. But I will be back before you know it. I’ll be back so quick you won’t even notice me gone.” She gives me a genuine smile at this. “Yeah?” she asks. “Yeah,” I respond, “Plus there are always e-mails.” I waggle my eyebrows at this. She laughs and says, “Uh huh. Skyping would be better though.” I smile back at her and gently move my hand from her waist to her face. I run it gently over her cheek, the uninjured one. I lean forward and gently kiss the corner of her mouth. “Well I guess I will see what I can do,” I say. She smiles at this. I glance up at the clock on her nightstand. I say, “As much as I would love to stay here all day. We still have things we have to do.” She sighs, “Of course.” I go to get up and say, “Plus we have our movie date again tonight.” Suddenly I am pulled back down into a proper kiss. _The moment lingers._ I gently pull away and smile. She smiles back. We go about our day. _Time slipping by._

_Time slipping away._

_Time rebuilding._

_Pieces coming back together again._

_Breathing life to the destruction._

_Bringing love to the surface._


	15. Lingering Moments

Three days come and go quicker than I thought possible. Reality seems to have developed its own time, a time that only speeds up and never slows down. That time spent with Skye is nothing but amazing.

The first of my last days is a blur. I start by trying to organize some of my stuff. It’s hard trying to figure out what to take. That day, I meet with May for a firearms overview. It goes as well as can be expected. I am definitely not a field agent, but at least I know more about a handgun. She tells me to come back tomorrow and the next day at the same time. She wants me to be a little more proficient. That way when I do go to a firing range, I will at least know what I am doing. When I am done with my firearms lesson, I head to the lab to work for a while. I want to hang out with Skye as much as I can, so after I finish I go down to the gym.

Trip and Skye are still training. They are sparring when I walk in. Skye sees me out of the corner her eye and shoots me a grin. She ends up on her back on the mat because of it. Trip looks up at me and smiles, and then he grins down at Skye. He helps her up and says something that I can’t hear. She turns a shade of red I have never seen on her face. Trip is laughing. I find myself grinning even though I don’t know what was said. Skye stays focused on Trip after her face met the mat. She does well, and she ends up getting Triplett on his back at one point. He looks impressed.

Finally they look to be done, so I wander over to talk with them. “Hey Simmons,” Trip says, “Everything going well? I heard you were leaving in a few days to visit your family.” I nod his way and respond, “Yeah, I just need some time off I think. Get my head in a better place. I want to be back to a hundred percent to help. I just need some time.” He gives me an understanding smile, “Of course girl. I get it. Take some time off, and come back when you are ready.” He turns and looks at Skye, “Good job today Skye. Just remember to stay focused.” He gives her a quick pat on the back and winks. He walks off amused. Skye looks anything but that. I ask, “Everything okay?” She turns and looks at me. She mumbles, “Just peachy. Trip’s an ass.” She says more clearly, “Want to work out for a bit?” I look her over and say, “But you just got done.” She laughs a little, “Well I figured you could get a work out in, and we can just enjoy each other’s sweaty company.” I give her a confused look, “Sure…okay.”

We work the punching bags for a while. Skye continues to help me hone my technique. There is tension between us every time she helps correct my posture and stance. Her touches linger longer than they should. She also ends up standing close to help correct my stance, closer than is necessary. At one point, she is standing in front of me, correcting my hips. I can’t help myself, and I lean forward and kiss her gently. She looks surprised but pleased. _Moments. Time standing still._ The moment passes. She smiles, and she reprimands my behavior, telling me to stay focused. I let out a genuine laugh at how stern she sounds. Her face looks anything but serious. She tries to keep it together, but she starts to laugh as well.

After working out for a while she asks if I would like to try some self-defense and sparring. I balk a little, “I um…are you sure that’s a good idea Skye? I mean I am just starting to feel really good on the punching bag.” She is nodding her head and says, “Yes it is a good idea. I can show you some simple self-defense. You never know when you might need it.” _True,_ I think. I am about to infiltrate Hydra, I probably should have more combat training before going in.

So we work on self-defense. She shows me how to break a choke hold, how to fend off an attacker coming at me punching. Finally we just spar. She takes it slow and easy with me. Finally after a while, her guard appears to drop, and I move to land a punch to her inside. She grabs my arm though, and the next thing I know I am flying through the air. My body slams into the mat, breath knocked out of me. Skye is practically on top of me, her arm pressing into my throat. She is leaning in close to me, grinning. I am catching my breath, and I give her a sheepish grin.  She says, “I will make you a field agent at some point Simmons. You have good potential. You just need to keep your guard up.” She leans down and lays a kiss on my lips. I gently return it. She pulls away and is still smirking at me. She stands and reaches down a hand to help me up. I take it, and she pulls me up easily. “I think I should just stick to the lab. At least samples that I look at don’t normally attack me.” Skye looks amused.

We finally agree to stop for the day. We both go shower individually and meet for dinner. It is around eight at night, and we are back in Skye’s room. Time for that movie I promised Skye I would watch. It turns out to be Austin Powers, the first one. _I could kill her._ She laughs when she sees the look on my face as the movie starts. “Skye I can’t believe we are going to watch this. Seriously. I feel like this is somehow a jab at my Englishness.” I think Skye may fall off the bed from laughing. She finally says between giggles as she puts an arm around my shoulder, “Aww sweetie. It’s for the look on your face alone that we are going to watch this. I find your Englishness adorable for the record. This is a great movie by the way.” I mumble back, “It’s a horrible movie.” She keeps laughing, “Come on it’s not that bad. Besides it’s about a British spy. He’s kind of like you.”

I give her a glare. She just keeps on laughing. She gently leans forward and kisses my cheek. She gives a slight pouty face, all the while giggling. She says, “Come on, I’m just picking. It’s something funny to watch.” I feel myself smiling back at her. I am hardly upset. “Okay fine,” I relent, “Let’s watch it. Don’t expect me to enjoy it though.” I lean back against the headboard. I fold my arms across my chest and pretend to pout. I can’t keep myself from wanting to smile though. Skye is still all laughs. She leans back next to me and puts her arm around my shoulders again and pulls me close. She says, “Fine, whatever grumpy pants. Just no falling asleep.” We watch the movie. We laugh throughout it. _The moment lasts a lifetime. I never want it to end._

When the movie is over, we just put away the laptop and crawl under the covers. Sleep comes easily as Skye wraps her arms around me and holds me close. My head is on her chest, next to her heart. I listen to it beating. It’s a beautiful sound. I fall asleep to it.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, I wake up and feel like I am being watched. When consciousness finally returns, I notice Skye is propped up on her left elbow. Her other hand is gently running up and down my left arm. She is watching me. She smiles as my gaze meets her own and she says, “Hey.” I give a small smile back and reply, “Hey.” I pause a second, “How long have you been awake?” She keeps on smiling and says, “Not long, but long enough to know you are really cute when you sleep.” I feel the blush on my cheeks. Her smile gets bigger as she notices it. “Well alright then,” I say as I sit up better.

I study her face for a moment. Her left cheek appears to be healing well enough. Her eyes are a dark chocolate brown I could get lost in for forever. My left hand reaches up and brushes the hair from her face. It then slides to her neck, and I pull her towards me as I lean in. I kiss her slowly and softly at first. _I forget about everything else._ I don’t even realize I am doing it, but I am gently pushing her back towards the mattress. I make my kiss a little more insistent, and she is returning it. I feel her hands come up and run over my back, pulling me closer. At some point I have slid my left leg between her two. Our tongues are pushing against each other more firmly now. My left hand leaves her neck and moves down her side. It gently grazes the side of her breast. Her breath hitches. I push forward and my left knee pushes against her center. Suddenly her hand is grabbing ahold of mine and is gently pushing it away. She breaks the kiss and says breathlessly, “Jemma. Not that I am not enjoying this, because I am, but maybe we should slow down and take a break.” _Moments._

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I am still completely on top of her. I back away a little, moving my leg from between hers. “Yeah sure. Of course. Sorry, I um…I just got caught up in the moment I guess.” I go to roll the rest of the way off of her. She gently keeps me there though by grabbing my shoulders. “Jemma. I was caught up in the moment too, so don’t apologize.” She slowly leans up and kisses me gently. As she pulls away, she lets out a sigh, “Plus we still have work to do today, and you need to go finish packing.” At that she lets go of my arms, and I roll off of her, lying on my back.

I let out a frustrated huff. Skye gives me a questioning look. “I don’t want to go pack,” I complain. She barks out a laugh, “Well you could still decide to not leave.” I nod and say, “True, but I have already talked to my parents. They are excited that they get to see me soon. I haven’t seen them in ages. They plan to meet me at the airport. They will probably have a sign and everything. It’s going to simply be wonderful.”

Skye has an amused expression on her face, “Um yeah okay. Sarcasm much. Your parents sound great by the way. If I had parents, I would want them to do that stupid crap, even if it is embarrassing.” I sit up and feel a pang of guilt. “Skye—“ I start. “Simmons,” she says, “I know what you are going to say, so I will stop you before you start. I got over not having parents a long time ago. You guys are my family now, and if anything, I can imagine Coulson as a father like figure. Plus I think if he ever had to pick me up at an airport, he would do something stupid and embarrassing like making a sign. All I was saying is your parents sound great.” She sends a smile my way and continues talking, “I think I would like to meet them some day.” She looks a little sheepish for saying that.

 I give her a smile and gently cover one of her hands with my own. I say, “I think they would like to meet you as well.” She continues to look embarrassed. I press on, “Well come on then. Let’s get this bloody day started. Yay! Packing!” I hop off the bed and head for the door. I can hear Skye’s laugh behind me. _It’s a sound I never want to forget._

The rest of the day is much like the last one. I finish packing my bags, and I work in the lab for a while. May goes over some more firearms training early that afternoon. She helps me to focus and to improve my aim. She continues to give me some tips and tricks that are easy to remember. She shows me the gun she wants me to take, and she goes over it more thoroughly. She says Coulson will make sure to get it to the apartment along with my other things. I told Skye I would meet her in the gym around 4pm. She wanted to do some more self-defense with me. I think she just wants to make sure I can handle myself if something were to happen while I’m away from the base. It’s sweet really.

 Before I get down to the gym though, I go and talk with the speech therapist again. I wanted to know how Fitz was doing after our disastrous meeting. The therapist says that it was a major setback. He seemed to be having a harder time making his words fit together. I feel the guilt building. “Look Agent Simmons. He is your friend. I know that, and you are doing what is best for him by leaving. That way he can get out of his room, and he can interact with the others more freely. I feel like his recovery will pick up pace too.” I nod along and finally say, “Well, I would like to keep up with his progress. Director Coulson has my information to get in touch with me. If you find there is anything else I can do, just let him know. He will get word to me.” The therapist answers, “Of course.” I stand up and turn to leave. I stop for a second and say, “Thank you, for helping Fitz. It means a lot to know that others will be here for him.” _Even if it can’t be me_ is left unsaid.

I meet Skye in the gym. Trip is nowhere to be seen. She is sitting on one of the mats. I go and plop next to her. “Have fun training?” I ask. She nods back, “Yeah sure. Getting my ass kicked is tons of fun.” “So training didn’t go well?” I ask. She turns and looks at me, “No it was fine. Just didn’t have my head in the game today you know. Trip took advantage of that. He said I better get it together tomorrow.” I just give a slow nod. Finally she hops off the mat, “Come on. Let’s get some self-defense training in.” I follow after her. She seems more serious today with our training. She really does want me to know what I am doing. She wants me to know how to take care of myself. I won’t have the team around to help if something were to happen. We work out for about an hour and decide to call it a day. We are about to go freshen up when May comes and finds Skye. She says they need to talk. I give Skye an encouraging smile, and I head to shower.

 

* * *

 

It is after dinner, and I am standing in my room, over my bed. Various clothing items are splayed out. I am contemplating my choice of what I have packed yet again. There is a knock at my door. “Come in,” I say without turning. I hear the door open and close. Footsteps come closer and suddenly arms are wrapping around my waist tightly. Skye’s chin is resting on my right shoulder. I hear her sniffle. I turn around in her arms to look at her. She has been crying some. I pull her into a hug. She returns it fiercely. She is hugging me like it is the last time.

She pulls away a little, and then she is kissing me. I can taste the salt of tears on her lips. Her hands squeeze my waist as the kiss deepens. She is pushing me back towards the bed. The back of my legs hit it, and I sit down on top of my clothes I have laid out. She pushes me to lay back further, and next thing I know, she is crawling on top of me. We never break the kiss. As much as I am enjoying this, Skye is doing this out of desperation. She is doing this because something happened. I gently push her away to break the kiss. She keeps trying to come back and keep our lips connected. “Skye—“ I start. Her lips find mine again. I try again, “Skye sweetie.” Her kisses start to slow and become less insistent. Finally she stops and looks down at me. “What’s wrong Skye?”

She slowly sits up and moves off of me. “I’m going on a mission,” she mumbles. I try to follow her line of reasoning, “Okay and that’s a bad thing because?” She sends me a miserable look, “It’s bad because we head out tomorrow! We are leaving in the morning. Apparently it’s an important mission. Time constraints are on it. We probably won’t be back until late tomorrow night.” A few tears find their way down her cheeks. I lean forward and wipe them away. I keep my hand against her face, and gently rub her cheek. “Skye it will be okay.” She stands up suddenly, “No it won’t! We were going to hang out tomorrow, and I was going to be here when you went to leave tomorrow afternoon. See if I could even go to the airport with you and Coulson. Now…” she shakes her head, “Now I am leaving in the morning, and when I get back tomorrow night, you won’t be here.” _Moments fading._

I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t think anything I say will make her feel better. I stand up, and I walk over to her. I lean up and kiss her. “So let’s enjoy the time we have right now Skye. That’s all that matters right now, this moment.” She studies my face briefly. She leans down and kisses me. _My stomach turns. My chest constricts._ She pulls away. “Okay,” she finally says, “Let’s finished getting you packed then.” I nod, and we do just that. Finally once all my clothes are put away and my bag is by the door, the moment seems to somber.

I am sitting on the bed, and Skye has started to pace the room a little. I don’t have to wait long for her to say what’s bothering her. She turns to me, a few tears lingering in her eyes and says, “Please don’t go.” I stumble on my words, “Skye—“ She cuts me off, “Please don’t go. Please don’t leave me.” I sigh and stand up and try to approach her. She backs away from me. She looks so broken. “Skye.”

She shakes her head a few times. “You can’t leave. I know I have had a few days to process this, but you can’t leave. I am being selfish, and I need you to stay.” Tears are rolling down her face now. “I need you to stay, because I know with certainty that I am completely in love with you Jemma Simmons. And I can’t not have you here with me, because for once in my life, I know exactly what I want. I know exactly what I need.” She pauses a moment, “And I need you. So I need to be selfish, and I need you to stay.”

My chest has never felt as tight as it does right now. My breathing is a little erratic. My stomach is battling some very massive butterflies. _Skye is in love with me._ I move towards her again, and she doesn’t move away. I pull her into a hug that last but a second, and then I am kissing her like there is no tomorrow. After what feels like forever, I pull away. I rest my forehead against hers and whisper, “I have to leave.” I feel her shudder against me. The tears continue to fall. I whisper it again, “I have to leave.” I wrap her in my arms, and I kiss her again. I kiss her like it’s the last time, because maybe it is. She may not come back from her mission. I may not come back from Hydra. _All we get are moments._

I plan to make this moment count. The kiss is heated, and I don’t want to stop this time. I gently reach down and grab the hem of her shirt. I tug on it a little to indicate my intentions. She understands, because she is helping me pull it off of her. Our lips reconnect. My hands run over her warm exposed skin. My right hand brushes over her abdomen, and I feel two slightly raised areas. I can’t help but pull out of the kiss to look at them, my fingers gently running over the scars. She shivers at my touch. Our lips meet again.

 I turn her and start pushing her towards the bed. She sits down on it when we get close. We break the kiss. She stares up at me as her fingers play with the hem of my shirt. She gently grabs it and pulls it over my head. She whispers, “Beautiful,” as her hands run up my sides and her eyes roam over my body. I blush as I gently push her back into the mattress. I climb up next to her and start to slowly kiss her exposed neck. My right hand runs up the length of her body and gently covers her bra covered breast. Her breathing hitches as her hands continue to roam over my back, her touch setting my body on fire.

I continue my onslaught on her neck until finally her hands end up tangled in my hair. She gently pulls me back up to her mouth and into a heated kiss. I gently message her breast, and she lets out an almost inaudible moan into my mouth. I let my hand slide back down to her abdomen, my fingers gently running over the scars again.  I break the kiss and stare down at her. She moves her right hand from my hair to my cheek. I bring my hand up and run it through her hair. Smiling down at her I say quietly, “You are so gorgeous.” I see a blush grace her face. The hand on my face slides to my neck as she pulls me close again and kisses me softly. She mumbles against my lips, “I love you.” The kiss becomes heated for several minutes. I finally break it and move my lips back to her neck and down her body. I place soft kisses on her belly. My hand gently runs over the scars again followed closely by my lips. Skye’s breathing has gotten heavier.

I am craving more skin to skin contact. I slowly sit up off of her. Skye looks confused for a moment. I say softly, “Come here sweetie.” I gently pull her into a sitting position as well. I give her a kiss as my hands snake their way to her back and gently unclasp her bra. I pull the material away. I break the kiss and stare down at her very exposed upper body. She is so beautiful. I let my hands gently run over her breasts, the nipples already hard under my touch. Skye’s breathing is erratic now. I kiss her again as I continue my ministrations to her chest.

Her hands are roaming over my back and finally find the clasp to my bra. I feel her unhook it. She goes to pull it off of me, making me stop my attentions to her breast. She breaks the kiss, and she shifts her gaze down to my body. I feel naked in a way I never have before as her gaze roams. She makes eye contact for a second, and the next thing I know she is flipping me onto my back. Her body is flush against mine, skin on skin. She is kissing me like there is no tomorrow, her tongue pressing against my own. I feel my own breathing starting to get heavy.

 She then gently bites my bottom lip. My breathe hitches. She pulls it between her teeth and lets it go. Suddenly she is at my neck kissing and biting gently, her hands running over my chest. I run my hands up her back and try to pull her closer. She moves her lips from my neck to my chest. She is lightly nipping and planting soft kisses over my exposed flesh. I stop breathing when I feel her lips wrap around one of my nipples. Her teeth gently bite down on the soft flesh.

Her hand on my abdomen starts to slip down lower. It locates the zipper on my pants. I feel her unbutton and unzip them. Suddenly her lips are gone from my chest. She is sitting up and tugging at my pants, wanting them off of me. I gently raise my hips off the mattress, and she pulls them down. She then runs her fingers along the edge of my underwear and gives me a questioning look. I give her a nod and raise my hips again. She slowly removes the last material of clothing covering my body. Skye’s gaze roams my body slowly, and I feel a blush forming on my cheeks. She gently moves up my body and captures my lips in a kiss. She breaks the kiss for a moment, and while running a hand through my hair, she murmurs, “You are so beautiful. I love you so much.”

She moves back in for another kiss. I gently stop her and say, “Wait.” She looks at me expectantly, nothing but love in her eyes. I run my hand down over the front of her pants and unbutton and unzip them. “You too,” I say softly. Slowly she moves to the edge of the bed and stands up. She goes to pull her pants down. I move towards her and grab her hands on the sides of her pants. “Let me,” I say. She obliges. I grab the edge of her pants and gently pull them down her body. She steps out of the offending material. I stare at her in just her underwear, my hands running over the silky material. My lips find her abdomen and gently kiss along it until I get to the edge of her underwear. My fingers gently grasp the material and pull it down her legs. She steps out of them as well. My hands linger on her hips, my eyes drifting slowly over her body. I feel nothing but desire, a longing to show her how much she means to me. Our eyes meet again, and in that moment, we have never been more connected.

She moves forward again and kisses me. She pushes me back onto the mattress, never breaking the kiss, pressing her body into mine.  Skin is touching skin, hearts beating as one. The rest of the night presses on, and we show each other how we feel. _The moment lingers. The moment lasts. Infinity._ As sleep falls upon us that night, I hear a soft whispered, “I love you Jemma Simmons.” I want to reply, but sleep carries me away.

 

* * *

 

I wake up the next morning. Skye is gone. There is a note on the nightstand though. I glance at the clock. It is around eight in the morning. They were supposed to leave around seven. The note is short and sweet. It says, _“I just want to say I love you Jemma. Words cannot describe how beautiful last night was. Be safe traveling. Stay in touch. You said you would be back before I know it. I hope that you are. I love you, Skye”_ I read the note over many times. Finally I gently fold it up, and I go place it in my bag. I get ready for the day.

I go meet Coulson. He says he will go over some quick pointers on the firearms today since May is out on the mission as well. Before I know it, it is time to leave. He goes over some important information with me before we head out. We discuss communications. He says it is okay if I stay in touch with everyone temporarily. He says after a while though, he will have to shut down e-mail. He says once I am more established at Hydra, they will look into more of my personal information, including e-mails. He says we will have to have our main communication through pay phones and dead drops. He mentions that he will stop by once a month to check in on me. I ask him to please keep an eye on Fitz and Skye for me. He says he will.

He drives me to the airport. I write a note on the way that I want Coulson to give to Skye for me. It seems stupid, so I ball it up. Coulson says he will see me in a few days in New York. He gives me the location to the apartment. We part ways.

I make it to England safe, and I enjoy my time with my parents. They did show up at the airport with a stupid sign. Skye would have loved to have been there to see that. Before I know it, two days are up. I am flying back to the United States, heading towards New York. I catch a taxi, and I make it to the apartment complex. Mine is on the second floor. Coulson is sitting in the apartment when I make it up. It is small and cozy. It has everything I need. We go over some more details. He tells me I can keep up with communicates via e-mail with the team, but after fifteen days, he plans to shut it down. This mission is too important. Skye was going to hate me. She wouldn’t know why. She wouldn’t understand the lack of e-mails. The girl that has been abandoned her whole life by foster families is going to think I did the same. My stomach clenches at the thought. I try to force the thought aside. The next few months are important, vital.

I lay in my bed that night, looking for sleep but not finding it. I start my first day at Hydra tomorrow. _No wonder I can’t sleep._ I finally sent an e-mail to Skye earlier today telling her I was having a great time with my parents. I was getting settled in, and we planned to start traveling in a few weeks. I told her that e-mails may be limited after we head out. I hope she understands. Maybe the lie will hold for a while, eventually she will realize the e-mails won’t be coming back at all. My heart hurts knowing that I will eventually be breaking hers. _Skye is in love with me._

I roll onto my side and lay there for a while thinking. It hits me suddenly. It’s not like I haven’t known this or knew it wasn’t heading in that direction. I was just pushing some of my feelings aside to make leaving easier. It comes on suddenly but calmly, like a breath of fresh air. It’s like breaking the surface of the water all over again, breathing in life. _I am completely in love with Skye._ The moment lingers, and my chest tightens. I feel a small smile on my face. _I love her._ I bask in the moment, in the simple revelation that I knew all along.

I can’t stop myself. I get up to send her a quick e-mail. It is simple and to the point. I write, _“I haven’t said this to you before, but I love you Skye. I am completely head over heels in love with you. I just wanted you to know that if you didn’t already. Please don’t forget that either. I will see you again before you know it. I love you, Jemma”_ I sit in front of the laptop screen. The only light in the dark room and hit send. _Moment fading._

_All we get are moments._

_They linger and stay, and slowly fade away._

_And we always wish for more._

_Always more._


	16. Epilogue: The Transition

My name is Jemma Simmons, and I work for Hydra. I work in the science division, and I help them to figure out how to create weapons of mass destruction against mankind. Of course they don’t tell us this outright. Instead, they give us samples of the larger picture, and we experiment.

 I am a double agent though. I am undercover for S.H.I.E.L.D. I report all of this information to Director Coulson via dead drops, and I talk to him on a pay phone occasionally. He keeps his promise and drops by once a month to visit, and he keeps me updated on the team. I have been undercover now for five months. I haven’t talked to Skye in ages. It has been four and half months since our last communication. Coulson lets me know she was upset for a while.

I told him to be honest with me about what the team thought. He tells me the truth. They think I have abandoned them, that I am not coming back. Fitz takes the news hard. I hate to hear that. He was doing well for a while, but the last few months, when he realized I wasn’t coming back, he started doing worse. There is not much to be done. The team helps him the best they can. Skye takes the news the hardest though. She was angry and upset for a few weeks once she realized the e-mail address I had been using no longer worked. She tried to track my location through the last e-mail I sent, and she couldn’t find anything. Coulson had made sure I was a ghost. He said that she threw herself completely into training after that. She is one of his best field agents now. It makes me both happy and sad to hear.

Coulson is hoping I might get to leave before long. He has another agent he is sending in soon undercover to help retrieve information. He says that he won’t disclose their identity, so that way we don’t compromise each other. He tells me I have done a good job retrieving data, and he thinks the other agent could carry on the work for a while. He needs me back at HQ sometime soon. He wants a good biochemist back in the lab, and I am the best he knows.

I continue my work undercover with no problems. Of course there is the occasional scare where I think the jig is up, but for the most part things go smoothly. That is until Hydra finally calls on me for a mission. That’s when things get sticky. That’s when things start to fall apart.

_Everything breaks and shatters._

_This time though, I don’t know if I will be able to find myself again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who read the story. All the kudos and the comments were much appreciated!! They meant a lot!
> 
> I hope everyone enjoyed the story though, and if not, that's okay too. :) I enjoyed writing this. I didn't want to post any notes or chapter summaries until now, because I wanted the story to flow without interruption. I still plan for this story to be two parts as well. I just recently started writing the next half (It will probably be a while coming though), and I will make some editing changes to hopefully make the story flow better and easier to read.
> 
> Again, thanks for reading!! Rock on!


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